lbj irt lsd usa cid

2011-12-31T13:09:00.000+08:00

Also, progress on "novel": 50%

Considering getting a good idea is already half the battle won. And I have a good idea now, just haven't actually written anything yet. So I suppose...

Actual progress on "novel": 0%

2011-12-31T13:05:00.000+08:00

Hello everyone who actually reads this. (i.e. Myself and that 1 stalker - yes, I know who you are...)

As usual, I am posting my usual end of year summary. I have one word for this year -

SHIT.

Yes, well basically this has had to be one of the most unfulfilling, unproductive, ridiculous years ever. Okay, very much my fault... but also not. Well okay, not ENTIRELY bad, considering I did "graduate" in this year, and do some travelling. (not a lot but more so than I usually do.) Also, managed to meet a lot of interesting people, some of whom have become good friends of mine. (:

Okay, perhaps I am just whining because despite being in and out of jobs (which I can't list on my bloody resume anyway, unless I want to get chased after/blacklisted), I am still unemployed. Okay, well, I am doing some freelance writing at the moment, but STILL. BAH.

Again, yes, this is my fault. It's not that I've had 0 job offers. It's just that I am being far too picky with my career choices. But hey, I don't wanna do something I'd regret. (As prior experience has already taught me. *grumble*)

I think this has partially got to do with the fact that I keep thinking that this year is 2010 for some reason. Nevermind. I will pretend 2011 never happened and move onwards to 2012 with an open mind, happy heart and concerns which are feather light. Hah. NOTHING WILL STAND IN MY WAY MUAHAHHA

And no, I was not drunk when I wrote this.

2011-10-05T13:26:00.000+08:00

This constant ache
like a river
flows
so much right through
flesh and bones
and throbs aimlessly
beneath skin
engulfing everything
consuming everything
pure and sacred
forcing bleeding
through heavily gauzed feelings
until there is nothing left
but an overused
worthless
unmoving
shell of deadened hopes
close mouthed but gaping
wide.

2011-08-02T02:10:00.000+08:00

how strange
it is
that by loving
we kill each other
just a bit
each day.

2011-07-25T11:26:00.001+08:00

and on that note,

God, this blog is depressing.

hahhahaha

2011-07-25T11:22:00.000+08:00

hello.

feeling completely shit spent today. too drained to do anything at all and too tired to pretend that everything is alright. i know eventually i need to get out of this gloom i've so happily set up for myself. i guess i could make everything okay pretty quickly... but i'm tired of being positive and optimistic and soooo damn tired of pretending.

horrible.

also think i've overdone the gum a bit cz i felt ill to the core yesterday. but i suppose it's times like these when the craving is terrible.

but yeah, i guess i need to pull through. eventually.

2011-06-18T01:45:00.000+08:00

okay,

i guess this just gives a whole new meaning to "worrying yourself sick". lol. have been worrying and feeling all kinds of jittery about the new job and my life and who knows what else that now i'm down with a bloody fever. argh. horrible. not sure how to deal with the nerves now that i've broken away from certain other habits...

as such, have been drowning myself quite pathetically in a combination of alcohol and harry potter books/movies. unfortunately neither seems to be working as efficiently as they used to and my teeth hurt from chewing too much gum. groan. nevermind nevermind, i shall pull through this. i always somehow manage to anyway. (im trying to psycho myself i guess. yawn.)

ah well, wish i could pinpoint exactly whats bothering me but i just have all these vague apprehensions flooding my mind which im not too sure what to do about. bah. alrighty, shall try to stop thinking and watch movies instead. miss Sabah a lot now. if it all doesn't work out here, perhaps i'll head there and start a new life. a new adventure i guess. from scratch. without all this stupid baggage.

2011-04-04T23:09:00.000+08:00

Sigh.

So tired of this. So very very tired of this. What did I do to deserve this?

2011-03-23T11:38:00.000+08:00

whhyyy

why am i feeling so jittery about this test. think i'm just psyching myself up or something. and possibly because i don't want to look stupid!! arghghg.

didn't get to go for my run yesterday because it was raining buckets. and wont be able to do so til like next week or so because i'll be working. more rude people, more refusals... wonder how those permanent part-timers do it man.

anyway, best to go read newspapers now. loll. might help that i actually know whats going on in the world today. loll seeyaaa

2011-03-22T13:23:00.000+08:00

yayy,

Finally got news from the NPTD! writing test tomorrow so i err better brush up on policy issues and stuff. i always feel like i never know enough about anything. perhaps reading the newspapers more regularly will help. but sometimes the stuff in there bores me. sigh, nevermind, that's what wikipedia is for!

You know, i actually wonder if my potential employers check my Facebook. I mean, I'm sure some do, which might explain why no one wants to hire me ahhahaha. okay nevermind. shall go restrict some setting later.

Meanwhile, have been doing this door to door survey thing for my dad's friend. God bless Singlish honestly. If there wasn't Singlish I'm not sure how I would be communicating with residents who can't really speak English too well. Honestly don't know why people make such a fuss about it when it makes life easier for everyone. Especially in a country where we know like 2 languages per person on the average. And even then, I can barely speak Malay without having to pause and think for 5 minutes how to properly phrase the next sentence I'm about to utter. Granted it's not exactly the classiest of "pidgin" languages, but at least it helps us get by.

Have not been blogging for a while or using Tumblr for that matter. Mainly because everytime I log on to Tumblr I feel a huge need to get a tattoo after spending five minutes looking at photographs. It's terrible because some tattoos are just so bloody nice. (although I already have an inkling of what I would like to get... if i ever do get one...) just kidding, mum. (no not really... err nevermind.)

Also as expected, many ppl refused to take the survey ): Citing excuses such as I will not be home tomorrow, later, or the day after, and possibly next week. Gee, then why did you get a house for then? Basket. Not interested just say lahh, then at least I don't have to waste my time trying to convince you. But some people are really quite nice. A housewife actually gave us packet drinks and didn't mind standing there and listening to us ask questions for so long. It was really awesome of her. Gave her one of our free tokens of appreciations (a highlighter), but at that point of time after being refused and ignored by so many others, i was sorely tempted to just give her the whole lot highlighters in my bag. (in exchange for more packet drinks of course... loll)

But that said, was pretty interesting talking to random people around the neighbourhood and exploring Punggol with Dennis. Since I've never actually properly been to most areas in Punggol (other than the interchange. lol) However, I am more than ready to now get a proper job, something which involves less walking and isn't solely commission based. I'm sure I could get free packet drinks somewhere too...

Also, came across a video of Seth Rogen yesterday being interviewed by Conan. Seems to have sparked some... "unrest" amongst certain Singaporeans. loll, relax lahh guys. the guy is a bloody comedian. And he poked fun at himself too. People are always gonna have opinions, you can't change that.

Anyho, gotta get ready and head to Chinatown to return them surveys. SEEYAA

2011-02-20T02:41:00.000+08:00

   Crying.

   It's strange, you know? Crying. Just liquid from eyes connoting monumental extremes. And for what? Cathartic relief? Because you just can't help it? Just to... fit in. By letting out. And it's stranger still when you try to force tears out to achieve all the above outcomes. Eyelid squeeze, lips purse, nose squinch. Before you know it, you're a raisin. Sad.

   If you're wondering how I know this, it's because I do it all the time. Try to hang out my emotions to dry on my cheeks. Forcing them out, making them stay for as long as possible. A socially acceptable, visually pleasing (or maybe not?) orgasm on your face. You said don't cry. So I do it all the time. I try. I'm a rebel like that. Does that make me more appealing? James Dean at your playground. Just waiting on you. Waiting on you all the god damn time. Dryly weeping into my jacket when you're here, and when you're not. I figure you'll give in some time. At a time when time stops making a bastard out of you and me. I say it out - you and me, me and you. I like the sound of that. Makes me feel all tingly inside. I'm convulsing, really.

   It's late. I've scraped over one too many rims of beer cans. Circling your skin over metal. Nuzzling my nose against your neck, sniffing aluminium. Did you hear about those girls who used beer bottles to.. you know? That's pretty sick. Wonder if beer cans... Nevermind. I'm wasted on you, shouting at lift doors. Open! Open! Open! Three times a charm but not in this country. I don't know what to do so I hide my face behind glass panes and slide. Slide down until I can smell dog shit. Lower, and lower I fall and did I tell you I can't really breathe without you because without you there's like... this wheezing in my lungs. How is the heart even linked to love? My heart is fine but I feel a need to shit out a kidney or something.

   I cannot cry. My life is spinning right in front of me and I cannot cry. I can't mourn its passing. There will be no funeral because no one will attend and those who do will arrive just in time for the buffet. There will be low-grade eclairs. Hell, I'm smashing my eyes against concrete or maybe I'm not but now I can see the sky.

   Where are you?

   Where am I?

   Are the buses still running at this time? What? I've missed the last bus?

   Okay, now I'm really crying. I'm actually crying! I can feel sadness gather at my corneas for the great departure! Wait... what? It was just a raindrop. Just rain. The clouds are sobbing all over my damn face.

2011-02-02T11:02:00.000+08:00

crappy poem composed.

but had one line which i just had to get out so i remember to use it in future. argh, have to go to the supermarket again to get stuff. totally not looking forward to queue-ing for an hour and getting squashed by aunties with big shopping trolleys. have to also clean the house as much as possible today because my mum says its pantang to do so tomorrow. yawn.

ah well, on the brightside, this means no housework tomorrow! hoorah. *weak wave of Much Success flag* also... say it with me... FOXCRIMEEEE. YAY

good thing it's CNY, so i can spend time editing my resume and cover letters. completely dislike feeling directionless and useless. (not useless in the emo sense, just useless.) time to get my life back in order i think.

realise unfortunately, that i will never be able to travel to the places i long to visit until probably a couple of years time once i have earned enough moolah... as much as it pains me to say. sigh, nvm. life is such. and i know i shouldn't be mope-ing around and feeling upset about it. just a little bit tiresome thinking about all the wasted opportunities that's been dangled in front of my face time and time again. and there are so many times i think to myself - why didn't i.../i should have../what if i had...

but i stop these thoughts halfway and refuse to look back. i have a lot to be thankful for and that is enough.

things are so uncertain now, it really scares me. and for the first time in my life, i feel like i'm losing control and trying to live my life based on what certain people expect of me. sigh. it sucks, but i'll get through this. i have to.

2011-02-02T10:39:00.000+08:00

Untitled - 2/2/2011.

For every beat, one heart accepts defeat
For every rhyme, one remains incomplete
Through overcast skies and turbulent streams
people like pebbles cling for reprieve.

But for what purpose?
And what song pounds their ears?

I understood once,
but the moment is gone.

I try to draw reason with words
but I cannot.
It confuses,
and I
play dumb to the cause.

2011-01-21T12:14:00.002+08:00

okay.

i am officially tired of my life as a bum. need to get a job. eff it.

2010-12-06T13:20:00.000+08:00

One of the most important things I learned from my grandpa was to always stand up for myself if I think I'm right and to be prepared to deal with the consequences for doing so. He taught me the importance of always having an opinion. And every single time I said, "I don't know" in reply to any of his questions, he'd give me a good scolding and then ask me to at least try to answer. I never understood why he 'd keep doing that, and why my dad followed in suit too. But now I think I do. It's good to have an opinion because if you don't, you won't know where you stand in the world. As melodramatic as this is gonna sound - if you don't have an opinion, the world continues to work for those that do, whether or not it is in your favour.

But the important thing I guess, is knowing when to voice your opinion, and to whom. And maybe that's something I need to grapple with on my own. Knowing when it's right to do so, because I have opinions about many things, and many people, and I don't believe it's right to let everyone know unless it matters.

So granted, some may think I'm being neutral, switzerland, whatever, and I am. It's a conscious choice. Why do I do this? Well, I just think that you take a stand only when the need calls for it. When I feel the situation could be made better if I do, then I'll say it. But if I think things are just gonna repeat itself, and nothing good could come out of it, then I'm not going to. Especially if I think it's a waste of time to do so.

So maybe my hippie/peace-loving tendencies are impractical in the real world. Maybe. But I do as hell try. And maybe I'm being selfish and maybe it's just plain annoying to some people. But I'm not gonna step into other people's problems if I feel it could do more harm than good. The way I see it, if people didn't butt in half the time in the real world, a lot of shit could have been easily avoided.

Hell, I know I'm not perfect. I know I have my flaws. I'm stubborn as hell, I'm sometimes either too logical or too irrational, I can be a complete hypocrite (as is everyone else every now and then), I keep things to myself too much (sometimes even coming across as cold or unfeeling) and despite all the stupid things i've done with my life, i like to think i have at least some pride in tact at the end of the day. And maybe it's a flaw too, maybe I'm just too damn proud for my own good. But it's what gets me through the day. But I do try to fix these flaws as much as I can. It drives me crazy wanting to correct them, but I try, not so much because I can't live with myself if I don't, but because I want to be a better person for the people I truly care about.

And if there's one thing I've tried to do all my life, is to keep promises, and be sincere in whatever situation. This has been the bane of my life, and in my attempt to do so, I've lost many people I thought were my friends along the way. But at the end, if they leave, the way I see it, it wasn't worth it in the first place. I know I could make life easier for everyone by handing out apologies whenever someone needs one. But I think apologising is easy. Standing up for yourself isn't. When I do apologise I really mean it. And every apology needs to be accompanied by the statement "I won't do it again" or "I'll fix it by doing this..." So unless I can think of how to settle these two statements, I'm not going to apologise. Especially in circumstances where I don't see why I was wrong. I'm open to what people have to say though, which is why I always ask people, "Why do you think I was wrong?" And if it makes sense, then yes, I'll apologise of course. But forcing it out of me is not gonna work.

And after all is said and done, at the end of the day, all I need is basic courtesy that you would give any human being. Respect is earned so I'm not even gonna ask that of anyone. In my entire life, only one person has attempted to force respect out of me and I'll forever remember him as that one person I would never ever aspire to be like. He's probably long forgotten me, and it's been a good 5+ years since we've talked and I don't intend to any time soon.

So why am I even writing this? Well, guess I just needed to vent a little, come to terms with it myself, and I guess in one blog post, I've attempted to summarise myself as best as possible. loll. That said, to everyone who's been there for me through thick and thin and who's helped me work out these flaws, I love you. (:

2010-12-03T02:40:00.000+08:00

mmmm.

love december weather. and being at home and doing nothing. and lying in my singlet and fbt's on the couch when it's cold and sunny at the same time. and listening to good music while daydreaming and sipping on coffee/tea. and getting lost in the moment and not having to spend a single moment thinking about anything or anyone. absolutely amazing. sometimes i wish i could remain forever in just one single moment and not change anything. like a freeze frame or some shit. now that would be hella awesome.

on that note, i've come to realise that i only do truly care about a select few in my life and that's enough for me. (: also, i need to do more zen things because my temper has been flaring up recently. groan. alritey, nearly 3am, should be getting to bed. watching harry p. again tmr!! yayyy

2010-11-16T21:44:00.000+08:00

holaa,

realised i have not properly blogged for a while. have been completely tied down with work and stuff. but the exams are coming soon, and finally there's time to breathe freely this week. heh heh. laptop still isn't working, so have borrowed my dad's tiny laptop/netbook whatever you call it. tis absolutely amazing because the battery lasts like forever. 80% battery has lasted 8 hours or so. bloody amazing.

anyway, am at my hiding corner again. just need some time alone. (not that i havent already had enough time alone recently but still...) guess i just need my own space. the film's completed and i guess im pretty satisfied with the product. tho everytime i look back at it and watch it over n over again, i spot so many tiny bits which i could have done better, but ah whatever. harry potter's started playing today and for the first time ever i'm contemplating watching it alone. LOL. okay, i know you're thinking - what the hell its only harry potter. lol but its more than that to me... lol okay nevermind. over-sentimentalising things again ahemm.

got to see my grandma today so i was pretty happy (: showed her the film and everything and got to sit down and chat. but today has not been good for certain reasons as well. sigh. nevermind that.

after many years of living in denial, i think i've come to accept that i do have a huge sense of pride. it's not something im proud of (ooh irony! lol wth) but still.. i cannot stand it when im put up for embarassment, and yeah, things seem minor but i really cant stand it and it really does affect me when shit like that happens. but whatever. i shut up about it. but it still eats at me. so yeahh. and i've been feeling really confused lately. things which shouldn't really be bothering me have been bothering me a whole lot recently. things which i've become accustomed to, and yet just completely piss me off in the last couple of days.

but ah well, life goes on, shit happens, ya da da da da.. lol. AND MY EYE IS STILL PUS-ING! MURDER. (well its the other eye now) so i guess i should stop being so stubborn and just go get it checked asap at TTSH like my doc recommended. am dreading going to a hospital again. have been to hospitals a ridiculous amount of times this year. i think ive basically visited them all except SGH. lol. shall not jinx it now. but hospitals make me feel so out of place and strange, as do airports. loll. maybe just coz of the link with bad memories. lollll whatever.

alritey, off to take a breather and think things through. gonna take things slow tonight and worry about it tomorrow. niteeee, and to all students, good luck for the exams!! (:

2010-11-14T23:42:00.000+08:00

in case some people have failed to notice, i have a life of my own too that does not revolve around you.

so just bugger off.

2010-09-24T12:35:00.000+08:00

not waving but drowning.

sigh.

2010-09-14T23:30:00.000+08:00

arghghhghghghghg.

shittiest feeling ever - when you feel your own life is in the hands of others. this lack of control is annoying me greatly. need some time to think, run or drink. like badly. sigh. unfortunately, the latter 2 are out of the question. groan. whywhywhyyyy.

and my leg is still swollen. and i havent eaten meat for 15 days.

phooey.

2010-08-27T12:27:00.000+08:00

One Morning (for Tatha)

One morning you silently sang
me a song I remember.
I understood it not,
but sang it quietly in my head.
While its brief words passed over rapid like,
I clung to them
like dimness in burned out candle light.
Curious,
you made me ask and question and probe.
Now I know not what it means and know what it means.

I suppose I should weep
as children do,
when they come too close to fire.
Yet I will be still
for our song demands it.
For how can one sing as they tear?
And though you are the tune that
strings me together,
and the notes which phantom my way,
I know you bid me mend and piece
and remake and renew and remember forever.
And forever endless will it resonate
in the deepest depths of my heart
til I depart in peaceful harmony.

2010-08-19T01:25:00.000+08:00

i find it essential that on your birthday, you should give thanks to everyone and appreciate everything that you've been blessed with. (: (it's my birthday, and i've had some baileys, so let me be sentimental damnit. lolll)

so,

thank you to my entire family who i love with all my heart. and who managed to turn a potentially dreary day into one i reallly will treasure in times to come.

thanks to my awesome friends who have always been there for me through thick and thin, and who have been patient and understanding during these trying times. (you know who you are!)

and i dedicate this birthday to my tatha who i love and hope gets better soon. if i even grow to have half the heart and determination he has, i'll know i've led an awesome life. love you tatha.

(:

2010-07-27T01:58:00.000+08:00

How I Feel Today

- tomorrow can wait.

2010-07-26T13:17:00.000+08:00

ARHGHGHGGHGHHGHGHGHGHHG

it took half an hour to crush my stupid pathetic small flickering light of hope in this darkened tunnel. sigh.

but no matter, guess its time for me to stop living in a bloody tunnel and actually go take a walk down the main road to see what else is going on.

eventho it's daunting as hell, i guess i gotta try. and i suppose rach is right when she says i can't stand change. which is true, but well, i've been dealt this bloody lousy hand of cards so i shall just make do and try to survive. yawn le yawns.

on the brightside, this means i can just heck care all my modules because my CAP doesnt matter anymore. so imma gonna choose some modules i really like and sound vaguely interesting. heh heh. okay, gotta go do some work. seeyaaaa

2010-07-23T22:06:00.000+08:00

yay hiding place!

decided to come here and write, and then remembered that i had some com club stuff to do. so yes, prepping up, had the presentation that day, and hopefully everything else goes smoothly. cors wouldnt let me bid for honours mods, which is okay lahh. so will try to appeal, but if i can't, i've come to a consensus (with myself lol) that i will file for graduation and it wont be that bad after all. and hopefully, if plan b works out, in a couple of years i'll see myself in the states or aust. doing masters. hopefully.

so anyway, i figure i'll have to pick another 2 extra mods, other than the ones i already have, though they wont count for anything else other than my CAP. so, i guess i will just go on a module shopping spree of sorts and FINALLY, i will be able to do a couple of mods i really like. heh heh.

also, had a series of bad dreams during my afternn nap today. terrible. and also, randomly, very much so, i realise that when everyone else doesn't believe in what you're trying to do with your life, it's the least you could do to believe in yourself. or.. well.. insanity is near. LOL.

okay, my batt's dying out. guess its time to return home. seeyooouuu.

2010-07-19T11:24:00.000+08:00

heehee.

have decided that doing nothing to waste time is boring. therefore, i have moved on to the noble task of doing nothing productive. in other words, this involves me waking up in the morning, going for a walk to clear my thoughts/sleepiness, having coffee, accomplishing various household chores and then relaxing. lol. also i now remember why i stopped reading fanfiction off my handphone at night whilst in complete darkness.. mainly because my eyes are starting to malfunction. but err. nvm. sleeping patterns have remained somewhat irregular despite the end of the world cup season. but no matter, sleep can be attained as and when i like it.

not looking forward to school. feel completely bleh-ish. also, i've realised that the best way to handle unjustifiable arguments is not to remain silent, but to simply state, "if i open my mouth now, i will say something i regret. so i'm going to keep quiet." and then remain silent. hmm. this seems to have been working thus far. very random, but nvm.

also, am still completely stoked about the next harry potter film. and margaret has agreed to be my willing companion on my trip to the universal studios 2011. HEEHEE. a grad trip of sorts, but i will save up!! YES I WILL. SAVESAVESAVEEEEE. much excite!

okay, i gotta go, but before i do i'd like to wish (again) my best buddy Rachel Mo. a happy birthdayyyy!! i know i haven't always been there for you all the time, but i'd like you to know that i'm trying my best and i'll always have your back no matter what. so have an awesome day dude. and if you're reading my blog now, you are probably bored so just give me a ring and we'll go hang out lol. much love and spanks! it pains me that we're growing older every day and things come and go, but at least some good things never change. ((:

okay i gotta go now, and i think there is someone spying at me from the window.... creepy bugger. have just pulled down the blinds. wonderful perks of HDB living. TAA! ((:

2010-07-07T10:53:00.000+08:00

Chess.

I don't give a damn
about your game
because I know none of it.
If there's anything I've figured out -
Chess is for old men who
consume pawns and porn
while eating kachang.
No one taught me how to play,
and it doesn't interest me enough to figure it out myself.
You came up with your own rules, regulations, instructions, etc., etc.,
but then told me later that it varies with the type of chess I'm playing.
So don't force my hands
into moving those pieces the way you like -
because I will not.
Don't go round knocking off stray bits of plastic if they've done nothing wrong to you.
Don't tell me I can't move this piece diagonally or horizontally or off the bloody surface,
Don't say no, you can't visit a friend in another box,
no, there is no get out of jail free card.
Just don't,
because you'll either win or lose
to an opponent who is barely present.
But, if you like,
I see there are squares on the board,
so let me get my pencil
and we can play tic tac toe instead.

2010-07-07T01:47:00.000+08:00

so maybe tomorrow.

2010-07-05T13:57:00.000+08:00

phooooeeeyyy. ):

stupid bloody food poisoning or god knows what. horrible horrible. have been moping about the house all day feeling sorry for myself and sick. patheticccc. figure i should do something constructive but have no idea what. what is up with my immunity systemmmm. think its time to start getting healthy and maybe go for a few jabs or something. sobsob.

an sms cheered me up today however, and to said sender, i am very grateful. ((:

sigh, shall go lie down and cheer myself up by re-reading the whole harry potter series again and hopefully fall asleep. and then when i wake up, my mum should be home and we can watch criminal minds on dvd and i will be happy again. lol. i am such a baby. LOLLL.

groan. also, in this state of pessimistic moaning and groaning i realise i miss my friends despite seeing them pretty recently.

arghhghg okok jk rowling here i come. again.

2010-06-16T12:49:00.000+08:00

brrrr.

it is effin cold today. raining buckets, which i suppose is good if one has nothing to do. i on the other hand have a long list of chores to do. many of which just seem to have slipped my mind currently. i suppose i will remember said duties just as i am about to leave the house for tuition, at which point of time i will freak out and get various messages from angry parents regarding laziness, etc. groan. nevermind, will sit down for a bit and think about what i'm supposed to do today. really need to start making lists and being more organised about things.

also, if any comedy club members happen to be reading this (firstly, why are you reading this! lol.) and also, let me assure you that i've not been lazy. still liasing with the osa about various details, taking longer than i hoped, but not to worry, will get it all settled soon.. hopefully. lol. really want to see this thing flesh out nicely, but let's just make sure we iron out everything first to prevent any probs from occuring later.

anyway, some/one nasty ppl/person splashed orange juice on my mailbox ysdae. bloody twit. if i ever find the culprint im gonna shitpee on their doorstep. grrrr. okay, i wont, because i'm a well behaved courteous singaporean. obviously. (: i'll just do what any normal singaporean would do.. complain. lolll. i mean, i like orange juice and if you had the desperate urge to share it with me, the least you could do is package it appropriately (can, packet, plastic takeaway bag, etc) instead of splashing it all over my mailbox. not that i'm expecting any important mail, but still.. well, screw you.

damn, im hoping the rain is gonna stop soon so i can go get lunch or whatever it is im supposed to get from the mall. and im ashamed to say i haven't been writing this entire holiday. i should, but err.. lack of inspiration, busy-ness and have been so bloody lazy. murder. also, am proud to say that ive finally commenced running again as of monday, though i didnt manage to go ysdae. and today doesnt look possible either. well, i suppose i could head down to the gym but running in air con just doesnt have the same amount of kick. lol. true story!

okay, have been doing an amazing amount of bullshitting recently. which i am both amused by and surprised at. heh heh. whatever. alritey, off to figure out the dry-est way to the mall. taaa! (:

2010-06-10T00:18:00.000+08:00

groan. bored shitless.

suddenly had the fantastic idea to go rent some dvds and then realised it was 1213 am. crap.

and why the heck is it so cold! BOOO. god i am such a terrible grinch. shall do nothing more than roll around in bed the whole day and wake up just in time for tuition tomorrow.. again. yawn. too tired to do anything, and too lazy to go to sleep. whinegroanmoanetcetc.

didn't i plan to do some stuff these holidays? can't remember now so i shall oggle at tumblr til i feel sleepy. boo

2010-06-08T23:08:00.000+08:00

yawnnn.

hate the feeling when you've just come back from a holiday and suddenly its time to get back to normal life again. too many things on my plate right now. shall just deal with them 1 at a time. and the fever sooooo does not help right now arghgghgh must stop moaning and groaning like a whiny grinch.

lol. aight nevermind. supposed to go send joe off tonight but feel dead ill. and couldn't get to sleep either so am bumming online with nothing to do. sigh. also realised i may be addicted to menthol. as in just menthol in general. which explains my liking for fisherman's friend, and other menthol related.. consumptions. phooey.

also, have tuition twice this week, and various meetings to slot in. thank goodness geraldine got me an organiser of sorts because i have no idea how to use the one on my hp. lolll. alritey, shall go lie down and try to read or something. yawn. seeyaaaaa

2010-05-30T00:29:00.000+08:00

yayyyy!

1 more day to batammmm. still have yet to pack or change cash.. but err. will do it tomorrow.

also, finally managed to watch eric khoo's My Magic that day. was an ermm.. very painful movie to watch. not in a bad way, just that it was well.. painful (also because i was sobbing for like half of the movie. fail.) but overall it was pretty awesome. anyway, returned that and borrowed Be With Me. something to fill up my spare time and also im pretty curious as to why ky likes it so much. lolll

okayyyy shall go watch it now n then head to beddd. effin sleepy. catcha after batammmm (:

2010-05-27T15:50:00.000+08:00

am fed up. just because you're grumpy and stuff doesnt mean you have to take it out on innocent parties (in this case - yours truly). sigh. but out of respect, i'll behave as i should. i know my place.

and i hate it when people piss me off, and then expect me to be alright with it at the next moment and all happy and shit. whatever. i'll be patient but further use of me as a punching bag of sorts will not result in anything pleasant. i know you're going through shit but so is everyone else so please keep that in mind the next time you intend to blow up at me for something i obviously have had nothing to do with. sigh.

i'm not as wonderful as you intended me to be. and i've made a lot of mistakes in my life, a lot of which i'd undo if i could, but these mistakes have made me who i am today. everyone screws up, but if you keep constantly reminding me of them, i'm never going to be able to move past them properly. and stop with the comparisons and the exaggerations. i have my vices, you have yours. if we're not entitled to them once in a while, it's gonna drive us all insane. so give me some space and let me breathe a little.

i'm trying. and it's always gonna be shit. but please know that i'm trying. with everything on my plate, the least you could do is give me some credit for that.

2010-05-25T03:35:00.002+08:00

i guess it'll just go on and on forever and i'll deal with it the same way i have always dealt with it.

pretending it isn't there.

yawn.

2010-05-14T00:20:00.000+08:00

Random late night scribblings. Again, no, this is not reflective of my state of mind or current situation in life. lol. "I just have a lot of feelings!"... and hormones. lolllll. kidding. whatever. -brin.

Untitled - 14/5/10.

Today I have decided to be selfish. Today I will label myself flirt pervert stalker filth on legs, etc. Today I will cleanse you with mud from pavements like a child, while holding you like a parent should.

Because today I will have you.

I've decided playing saint is all good and wholesome but today I have had enough. I will not stop until you sit next to me. I will not breathe easy until I smell you off my skin. Until your hands are on my face. Until we move as one. Shaming art, shaming beauty, ceasing to blush because we know. Creating madness out of a rose garden. You will breathe my words back at me and I, in greed will give you everything. I calculate equations on your chest, and your legs as they move near will read philosophy and breed prodigies. I feel now I think too much. So I will think less.

I must have you.

I must have you and forget myself. My name is yours, and yours is yours and you, my darling, you forever will live on. You, everything, the world is in awe and the best thing about it is that you know nothing of it. For all my mistakes, half-takes and stakes I hid under my bed, I feel you will redeem them all. You must love me. It is unavoidable. Your shoes will walk to me before your feet comprehend movement. You will hide in my hands, waltzing on my palm. I shake you, and with my fingers you now dance the pasa doble. You tease me but I let it go. I do this because I love you and know now no dictionary in the world can make this clearer. Like this, love ceases to be and so do I. So let me live in you for it is beautiful, this ugly thing I do.

2010-05-12T15:40:00.000+08:00

God bless Absinthe.

best shit ever omg. awesomeawesome. feel quite pleased with myself that i have finally tried it. i'm going to invest in the whole set - absinthe cup, spoon, etcetc. not that i intend to drink up everything myself, but i can invite guests over and have a little absinthe party! heehee. i'm not even sure why i like it so much. maybe because its aniseed-y and well.. green. lol. i fail.

anyway, realised the discussion rooms at the library aren't open during the holidays. wth. gonna need to decide on another venue now. murderous. also, my stomach is dying and i have yet to prep up material for tuition later. shall just err, go lie down and try to recall a couple of short stories i did in secondary school. really need to head to bras basah soon to go pick up some unseen prose stuff but the Popular there closes super early. (as my friends and i realised yesterday when we actually went there to find all the shutters closed. groan.)

anyho, am off for an afternoon nap. seeyaa.

2010-05-07T20:57:00.000+08:00

some people need to stop being so damn self-centered. seriously. they need to realise that there's actually a world out there, outside the comforts of their own freakin bubble. whatever.

2010-05-05T11:05:00.000+08:00

arghghgghh.

can't stand this bloody stye. am this close to just going back to the doctor and asking him to burst it like right now. it is now covering 3/4 of my eye and has turned RED. argh. damn mafan. am so bloody grumpy due to the heat and cramps and everything! #$*#&@(#

yawn. need to get out of the house. even if its just for a while. maybe i'll go take a short walk or something. but the weather.. murderoussss.

on the bright side, spent yesterday reading my old palmistry books. realised that in india people can actually get a degree in palmistry! lol. how cool is that. but for now, i'll just deceive myself into believing i'm slowly learning a new skill of some sort.. err. the chinese and indian palmistry thing is a little tough to get used to. what with all the names and stuff to remember, so for now, ill just stick to reading up on the western things. pretty interesting actually.

anyway, the com club is finally beginning to flesh out nicely. just that red tape needs to be settled and i can't because i'm waiting for a reply from a key person right now. sooo.. yeah. will work on other things for now, and hopefully have the first meeting out really, really soon.

alriteyy. taa for nowww.

2010-05-03T23:14:00.000+08:00

OMG SORE EYEEE.

woke up this morning and i couldn't open my eye. don't even know why. and no, i've not been watching lewd videos, etc. lolll. what really sucks is that its my good eye. which means tht i am close to blind unless i go really near to look at things. not really sure how i managed to cook dinner today. probably not a good idea to handle a knife/sharp objects at the moment. loll

alritey, gonna have an early night, and then bright up and early and hopefully get some writing done or something. tirraaa

2010-04-24T23:56:00.000+08:00

excellent day/evening at the hiding place!

no noisy annoying teenagers to lepak around and bother anyone with their stupid taste in music (justin bieber or whatever shit that is blasting through their handphone speakers). no unnecessary random bursts of vulgarities. no immature dissing of construction workers nearby. etcetc. very pleased. (:

God bless soccer. it's probably the reason why they didnt come down to make noise today. amazing.

anyway, managed to cover most of my lecture notes for SSA, can't seem to remember any of the dates/figures/anything to do with numbers. also, am a little worried about my lack of coverage of the course pack. argh, nvm, will attempt to do some bedtime reading tonight. and hoepfully wing something concrete on monday. sigh.

also, advertisinggggg wtfffffff im going to die. 500 effing pages OMGWTFCHICKENWINGBBQSAUCEETCETC!!

crapcrapcrap, this is completely unacceptable and i will never forgive myself if i completely screw this sem up. also, my house smells of paint cz of the bloody re-roofing works going on upstairs. its terrible. and due to various bouts of paranoia this past week, i find myself continuously glancing at the windows, partially out of fear that someone is going to climb in or something... and like.. i dont know.. steal my laptop or use my toilet. lolll. okay whatever.

also, realise these exams are gonna either make or break me. considering for most modules, i have (in typical brin fashion) managed to couple every almost excellent essay with a mediocre/shit one. sigh. okay shall stop complaining and go back to ninja mugging mode.

p.s. spent the latter half of yesterday moping around in pseudo-depressed-but-okay like state. realise guilt is not a healthy thing... especially when you've nothing to feel guilty for! grrrr. okay sorry, needed to vent again. whatever. taa!

2010-04-22T00:45:00.000+08:00

hooray!

essays done for this semester.

booooo.

4 exams in a row next week and am not prepared whatsoever. murderrrrr.

also, whydoifeelsoguiltytalkingtoyoueventhoughitmakesmegrinconstantlytomyselfoheffinhell.

effeffefffffff.

ah whatever. everytime i think - oh my god, life sucks. i remember the very inspiring words of Red (spelling?) from That 70s Show - "bad things happen to you because you're a dumbass."

and then, i try to stop being a dumbass by moaning and groaning so that bad things don't happen. lol.

on the bright side, am looking forward to after exams comedy club meetings etc. v. excellent. (:

okay, early sleep tonight, lunch with cicak and company tomorrow and then mugmugmuggggg. taaaa

2010-04-13T22:29:00.000+08:00

arhghgh

bad start to the day. have possibly written my most horrible-st essay ever. )))): am going to completely eff up this paper. argh.

whatever, good thing is that it's raining so the house isn't radiating heat anymore. and guess what, there's an owl on the 14th storey! AN OWL. LOL omg. i nearly pee-d my pants this afternn when i looked out the window and saw this monkey like thing staring straight at me. okay, it looked like a monkey because it was all covered up in its erm.. feathers and stuff. and i wasn't wearing my glasses. so yes, i kind of freaked out a bit. but anwyay, its been sitting there the whole day. i think its injured. hmm.

okayy im lazing around right now, refusing to do anything even remotely related to school work. joy. temporarily at least. lol. taaa

2010-04-10T03:24:00.001+08:00

YAY.

spent most of today prepping up various presentations. was just about to start reading stuff up for the next essay due tues when i remembered that i had a write up due by the end of today (i.e. Friday). as a result, chiong-ed the bloody write up in an hour or so and submitted it at exactly 11.58pm. woohoooo.

on the downside, have still got 2 more major essays due, and right after the last one, ive 4 bloody exams in a row. *whine whine whine*

eeuw, okay whatever. lol. feel like doing some writing but am just so damn lazy right now. also, i think i should stop cursing so much. have been spitting out curses tooooo many times this semester and i'm not even sure why. okay i can venture a couple of guesses, mostly related to workload, annoying things/people, lack of time due to said annoying things/people. blah.

omg it's 3am how did that happen!

anyway, have had so many foot in mouth episodes this week it's not even funny. ): why do i keep saying/doing dumb thingggsss. whyyyy. and more importantly, why are there always people around to witness them!! annnndd, why are the people who witness them always people whose opinion i actually bother about!! humbug. i suppose this problem could be dealt with in 2 simple ways:

1. stop doing/saying stupid things.
2. avoid people.

hmm. at this moment, no. 2 seems like an easier thing to do.

shit. have just done a pseudo no. 1 in the above sentence.

anyway, v. badly want to watch A Single Man. (hahaha watch a single man. loll geddit? nvm lolll) will probably only get to do so next week or something. one must always make time for good movies and/or colin firth. and colin firth as a gay professor is just an added bonus. heh heh heh.

sigh. really really really want this sem to end. am in the mood of making lists and i've just had a cup of coffee, so, -

Things to Do Once This Shit Semester Ends

1. Batam! ((((:
2. Go runningggg (: or ): ?
3. Consume large amounts of alcohol! (more regularly!)
4. Writewritewriteeee
5. Sort out Comedy Club stuff
6. Waste time doing nothing
7. Worry about wasting time doing nothing
8. Go get myself a job/internship
9. Realise working life really sucks
10. Go back to doing nothing
11. Decide to feel useful by doing something seemingly important like housework
12. Convince myself that housework/cooking will be useful when I become a housewife
13. Begin feeling depressed that I will never get a husband
14. Writewritewriteeee
15. Win Pulitzer Prize for depressing new-age voice of the youth Sylvia Plath type poetry
16. Buy a huge mansion and hire hot stubbly but geeky men and/or alan rickman to feed me exotic fruits
17. Lament all day about how I am a tortured poet and no one understands me, etcetc whilst hiding under my personalised Versace bedsheets and parading in my fluffy Gucci bedroom slippers.
18. Realise school commences soon.
19. Decide on modules at the last minute, get screwed up by CORS, appeal and fail, spend the semester screwing up modules i don't even like.
20. Next holidays. Repeat steps.

hmm. sounds like a plan. lolll. K BEDTIME. niteeee!

2010-04-04T00:49:00.000+08:00

mafan horfun.

cannot find a single journal article on south asian popular culture in singapore. groan. as a result, i think i'm just gonna freestyle the bloody presentation on monday. and err.. rely on wikipedia. lol.

hiding place was once again infiltrated with those bloody mats again. was honestly very tempted to call the police or something because they're just so freakin noisy. even the usual uncles were so bothered by them, i think they postponed their usual gathering to a later date. (omg am such a stalker.) and like, why must you shout huh. damn bloody nuisance and so freakin childish. anddddd, one guy today apparently attempted to call his gf on the phone whilst putting on what he thought was a feminine voice. sounded like someone kicked him in the balls. i wish i was that person. sigh.

idiottts. i hope they're not there again tomorrow because this is just frustrating. how the heck am i supposed to study there if they are continuously singing various songs out of tune at the top of their voices. arghghghhghg. cannot sing dont sing lahhh sheesh. and they did the freakin whistling thing where u squeeze ur lower lip. like come on man, that's so 2001. lol. whatever.

FED UP. idiots. completeeeee idiots.

alritey, just needed to whine. i'm going to read sense n sensibility and then head off to bed. recently discovered that my presentation on weds involves figuring out if sense and sensibility can be read as a lesbian text... why i always end up with such presentations i'll never know. loll. taa.

2010-03-28T12:35:00.001+08:00

OMGGG bloody south asian project the current bane of my existence.

terrible. why can't i be in the bahamas or in orlando florida at the harry potter theme park or some shit like that. murderrrrrrrr.

okay, nevermind, back to work. need that bloody A+ or will be so thoroughly screwed. GOOOOOO BRIN GOOOOOOO you lazy bum youuuu.

(sorry, 2 cups of coffee and counting and it's only 12pm. groan.)

2010-03-26T02:30:00.001+08:00

In Bed.

Tonight I will kiss your eyes while you sleep,
cover you like bedsheets as you dream.
We will watch time,
just you and I,
you asleep and I -
awake but slowly sleeping
breathing hard catching breath
over and over
til we grow tired and choke.
We will lie forever
here and in words
as I place your fingers over mine.
I will devour you gently,
and you will enjoy it unknowingly.

But then sunlight breaks scratches upon your face
and you will curl into me
like a newborn wailing.
Then in the crook of my neck,
finally you come too close
you smell my fear
in shock,
I retire my cheek against unruly hair,
and this is when we die though still alive.

-brin.

2010-03-25T12:42:00.000+08:00

i wish you could see yourself through my eyes.

then you'd start to realise what a pain the arse you really are.

2010-03-24T00:50:00.000+08:00

coffeeeee

have drunk too much the entire day. as a result, i'm still wide awake at this bloody hour. ssa proj still not done, although on the bright side, have managed to come up with various random crap to talk about for the presentation (in 2 weeks time. wth.) was pretty happy today because i thought there wasn't gonna be tutorial at 10am tmr. apparently i thought wrong, so sooo much for thinking of sleeping in. grrr.

anyway, suddenly remembered this afternoon that i had that Caravaggio movie on my handphone so i attempted to watch the first 2 parts on the train. at the point where the guy was painting some guy's arse this old man sat next to me and attempted to look over at what i was watching. he shot me a filthy look after, probably thought i was watching porn or something. terrible. well no one asked him to be so kaypoh what! sheesh.

arghghgh feel so guilty for not doing workkkk nvm, shall sleep the guilt away. fail.

2010-03-14T03:24:00.000+08:00

omg.

have been reading Stomp just out of boredom. have said WTH out loud at almost every article in the Ugly Commuters section. seriously. i mean why the heck do these people waste their time with all this rubbish about seats. i mean.. you want to sit down then sit down, if there's no space then ask someone if they could give up theirs. sheesh. most of the time when i'm on the train i just stand because it's so bloody awkward sitting down anywhere, especially the "guilt seats". ít's like everytime i sit on the damn priority seats i have to force myself to stay awake to look out for pregnant women/crippled individuals or senior citizens. might as well just stand up and doze off while holding the handle bars. and when you're sitting there it's like there are watchful eyes everywhere, judging you to see if you look unwell enough, or are possibly sporting a knee injury under your jeans or something. it's like a video game right, where you have to quickly spot the disabled person before someone takes a picture of you sitting down with their phone camera. like if you spot the person in time you get a good score, and if you don't, you'll well.. end up on Stomp or something. i mean just have some basic courtesy lahh. if someone looks like they could use a seat, offer it. i mean, sometimes i feel like i should wear a sign around my neck that says - "i'm just sitting down because im tired, but if you'd like to sit down, please ask." argh.

by the way, just to note, i have been shoved close to 7 times by various aunties upon boarding the train (which is why i hate taking the train in the morning) once, one even pushed at my butt in attempt to enter the train faster. so annoying. i mean if you want to touch, then ask lahh! sheesh. LOLLL just kidding, but honestly wth. and like i don't know why i'm always unlucky enough to get into a compartment where one idiot feels obliged to rest their back against the metal pole in the middle. i'd be like obviously holding the bloody pole and the next thing i know there is a hot sweaty back pressing against my hand. i mean, DOES MY HAND LOOK LIKE PART OF THE BLOODY POLE!! HONESTLY. i told one guy off before and he moved but it's too late! the damage is doneeeee. your sweat is on my handdsssss. arghghghhg. okay sorry, was overcome by a sudden burst of irritation. hurh.

sigh. this is why i need a car. bloody trains and their guilt seats. for once i'd like to just sit down and not feel guilty. or maybe that's just me. yawn. okay im done complaining. just had to get that off my chest because Stomp is annoying me. okay bedtime! NITE

2010-03-13T02:55:00.000+08:00

2++ am.

feel sleepy but am guilty i have not done work today. also, feel tired to do work because i am sleepy. therefore, i will distract myself from such issues by randomly browsing Tumblr and reposting various pictures i think are amusing. lollll

anyway, was overcome by a sudden need to splurge on something random yesterday so browsed ebay and have purchased a big book of Shakespeare's complete works for like 12 bucks. i love 2nd hand books. i'm not actually sure when i'll read it... but well, once in a while when i'm in the mood for the occassional sonnet or something i guess. and also, it'll look nice on my bookshelf. LOLL. wth nvm. lit student fail.

arghhh i feel like writing something now. it's like there's a bloody idea clogging up the drainage system which i call my "brain". but its not coming out right now. although when it does come out i'm sure it'll be pretty fulfilling. you know like when there's something jamming up the sink or something and you use that plunger thingymajig to get the shit stuff out. and it's so troublesome to like.. plunge things (erm.) but when you finally do get the shit stuff out theres like a weird plopping effect that is very enjoyable. only problem is that the shit stuff smells like.. well.. shit. hmm.

ah well. chances are i will feel like writing the moment i actually start on my essays/presentations, etc. (this is always the case) okay im sleepy and have had my fair share of funny pictures for today. taaaaa

2010-03-07T03:36:00.000+08:00

zennn.

i am zennnnn today. feel extremely calm and unpanicky browsing random websites in my Christmas themed pyjamas. have just realised next week is week 8, meaning school will end in probably a month or so. argh. am still considering whether or not to do a summer term. or just overload next sem (if i stay). issues issuessss. but whatever.

anyway, the cicaks are on the attack again. bloody hell, this one cicak jumped out at me twice today. wthhh. my brother says i am the cicak queen - seen as the rallying point of all cicaks because apparently they only seem to be bothering me. as such, i shall have no choice but to embark on a thorough extermination campaign consisting of various cicak traps placed at various locations around the house. they are getting smarter because the last time i tried, one cicak just sat right next to the trap and ran away the moment i came near. stupid brilliant evolving cicaks.

bah. feel extremely inspired to start work tomorrow. but this feeling will probably vanish as soon as i wake up and get all groggy and grumpy. okay, it's 3am and i'm donee complaining about the lizards.

p.s. to whoever is following this millionth season of Survivor - OMG YAY GOODBYE CIRIE, HELLO TOMMMM ((((:

2010-03-05T01:32:00.002+08:00

effin sleepy. and yet i find myself watching american idol for 2 hours like the stubborn mule i am.

2010-03-04T03:03:00.000+08:00

heeheehee.

2 essays done! hooray. initially decided to spend tonight bumming online but i've just wasted 2 hours of my life watching reality tv, which i know is pretty shit, but i still watch it anyway. loll. am missing my partner in crime who i've not seen in ages because shes been down with a fever. (get well soon dudeeee. ((: )

doesn't that smiley look like it's wearing a helmet. hahaha. ok sorry.

anyway, realised the flu bug or whatever the heck it is spreading around. close to 5 people were coughing on the train this morning (just in my compartment alone). crazy. okay, i actually feel bored now that there are no essays to do.. well, at least for this week lahh. also, we saw edwin thumboo today! HAHAHA. apparently he has opened the door to the lit. department (i mean this quite literally, not as a metaphor or anything. lol.) for xy, shalini and jen. complete unfairness obviously. lolll. so we saw him drive past today and i had half the mind to go knock on his car door just so he would open/close it and then i could say that not only did edwin thumboo open the door for me, but he even also closed it! hahahha. omg wtf is wrong with me.

also had a pretty awkward moment in tuition today. loll. in the text we were looking at, there's this scene where one of the characters has sex or something, but isn't explicitly mentioned. all readers are told is that the guy is next seen "having a smoke". i was trying very hard to explain how having a smoke is linked to the having sex bit. so i tried many ways to say this as polite as i possibly could which led to me mumbling something like - "you know right.. like in the movies and stuff.. when like.. you see the guys and girls like do stuff... err, okay, i don't mean you actually see them doing the stuff. but like, you know they've done stuff right, when you see the guy having a smoke afterwards. because he needs to like... calm the nerves..after doing something like.. well... so vigorous." (i think i actually choked on my coffee after i said the last word.)

lolll. eventually i gave up mumbling and decided to just whack and be as crude as possible. i mean, come on, someone needs to educate the kids on these kinda things man! okay he's not a kid, he's 16. but well, whatever. don't worry, i later also advised him against drinking, smoking and doing drugs, drawing on various catchphrases such as "one puff is not enough", "you are hooked for life", "don't drink and drive", "once you start you can't stop" etc hmm actually i think that last one was for a Pringles advertisment. hmmm. nvm. hahha.

okay. i am sleepy and tired and my bed calls. also, got my pay today. yay. taaaa

2010-03-01T16:23:00.000+08:00

omggg.

okay, 1 essay down, another one to go. this is like a never ending day that has been dragging on since thursday-ish consisting of waking up, eating, doing work. yawnnnn. okay. am off to bed for an hour and then shall start work again. BAHHH.

2010-02-28T01:38:00.000+08:00

FUCKKKKK.

cannot think. and there is a bloody moth zooming above my head. die brin die. why didn't i start this earlier.

and why the heck do i always find myself asking myself this question!!!!!! GROAN.

am off to sleep. will wake up at 6 to finish this. cursessssss.

2010-02-27T20:19:00.000+08:00

i cannot help but feel thankful at times like these. maybe there is a plan for me after all. (:

2010-02-26T21:02:00.000+08:00

hooray! tentative essay plan for renaissance done, along with.. well.. 1 reading. but whatever. looks like i can actually start typing out the essay tonight. oh joy. anddd, i love prof nardin for granting me a slight extension on my other essay. really does help when i'm coughing my lungs out. keep hammering my heart (err the area around it. loll wtf.) like one would do with a broken vending machine. quite scary if it wasn't so funny. nvm.

anyway, received the HP hp straps today (lol.) and realised they sent me 2 Slytherin ones! WTH. if it wasn't some random dealer i'd be wondering if he was trying to imply something. hmm. nevermind. so i've got to go get it exchanged tomorrow. at least hes coming to sengkang so its not that bad. mum got a new hp today, some LG thing. works pretty fine, but everytime it connects to the internet automatically i freak out bcs of the data charges. should just stick to switching off network transm. before attempting to connect to anything. (a little loophole i've discovered upon trying to connect to wifi on my phone. lol.)

am at my hiding corner again btw. think better when there is slightly "cleaner" air and less temptation to fall asleep on one's bed/sofa/random chairs/stoning in front of the fridge. hmm. also, these south asian lectures make me feel extremely guilty because i'm constantly reminded of what a terrible Indian (half Indian) i am, unable to speak the bloody language(s), or know my roots or whatever. even more guilty when ppl ask me stuff in class that i feel i should know, but don't. as a result have been fluffing my way through like i always do, carefully avoiding things i dont know and basically making roundabout arguments of the things i do.

also, feel guilty i've not been spending enough time with my grandparents and have this sudden urge to just go over and ask them everything. hmm, quite looking forward to talking to my grandpa about stuff ive managed to figure out this semester. so i'll be ready for any unexpected questions -

grandpa: "what do you think is the cause of..."
me: "well, i read that..."
grandpa: "no, no, i don't care about what other ppl think. what do you think about...?"

lol. have always felt this need to impress him and do him proud. and when i was younger i remember everyone talking to him about "big people stuff", err mainly politics, etc. and i always wanted to join in but i never knew how. as a result he just let me sip his beer so that i felt slightly important. LOL. the only questions i got where from my uncles who would ask me if i could tell the time on my watch. (i was not that stupid a 7 year old.) yawn. so now.. i can! yay. these conversations with him always leave me feeling plesantly stupid and interested in stuff i never thought i'd be interested in. also, realised that the school we visited in little india used to be my grandma's old school. how cool is that. hmm. will also need to go exploring little india with my grandma soon, and probably get some appam.

heh heh. see, i am making an effort man. i've even been listening to Jai Ho. HAHAHA. okay nevermind. i fail.

anyway, moral of the story is that i need to know more things so i do not embarass myself at future family functions which i strategically try to avoid. which reminds me, also have to come up with more intelligent answers the next time someone asks me "why aren't you married/why don't you have a boyfriend" or "why are u studying literature? do you want to be a teacher?" at which point of time i shall bullshit aimlessly about random stuff i have learnt, to avoid sounding like a total dumbass. hah.

p.s. have not had the chance to pretend to be Brazillian or Mexican this semester because no one has asked so far. (altho i have seen the typical cautionary gazes from time to time in various classes, and i suspect it will be soon. heh heh.)

oh shit, what a long blog post. but whatever, i'm just delaying time to start my essay. yawn. okay, shall head home and actually start on it in a bit. am still enjoying fresh air but i also need to pee. hahaha. whatever. tirra!

2010-02-23T14:09:00.000+08:00

you know right,

i think universities should start having like a Major for people who are jacks of all trades and masters of none. LOL. u know, like "general studies" or like "major in sai kang warrior-ing" or something. LOLLL. okay whatever. after 3 years at NUS i'm still asking myself wth am i doing here. and now that graduation seems like a nearby possibility, i am very hesitant to leave. bah. studystudystudy until i dont know what i'm studying for anymore. although i must say this semester i have been very excited to go for class. hmm. well. some. LOLLLL NEVERMIND.

anyho, desperately need to get my essays in order by friday. so best be off to work. also, would like to make time to watch Bright Star like really soon. let this week be overrrrrr groan. taaaaa

2010-02-21T02:49:00.000+08:00

it's hella weird when you're one person at night and a totally different person the next morning. it's like a bipolar batman. loll. okay nevermind. im fine now. just numb. and tomorrow morning when i wake up its the same thing all over again. and then it's school. and back to slave-ing for some cause i know nothing about.

well whatever. no point emo-ing about i guess. think it took my brother to ive me a good wake up call this morning. i guess its just that i've been fighting my entire life for myself and the ones i love, that sometimes, i suppose.. you need to put away with your pride and just beg and crawl when times call for it. so... i guess i will. it's difficult i suppose. and it's something i need to work on. but once i let go, it'll be easier. pride.. isn't everything. yup.

2010-02-17T02:16:00.000+08:00

Once you realise your life is a joke, it makes things slightly easier. Don't go too fast or no one will catch the punchline. Don't go too slow or people will lose interest and not bother listening. Keep the right momentum going, stress the right words, stick to the right rhythm. Be aware of your audience, or the fact that there is none. At the end, deliver the punchline with everything you've got, in the hopes that people will remember it and retell it time and time again. And if they don't, who gives a shit?

It shouldn't bother you if they laugh at you, not with you. Or if they don't laugh at all. It doesn't matter if they think you ripped off some other guy's material or that they've heard it all before. What's important is that at the end - just laugh as hard as you possibly can. Laugh til the blood vessels in your eyes burst, or your stomach aches so much you need to throw up. Just laugh and don't even pause to consider if doing so is pathetic. Because if you don't laugh, who the hell will?

Nobody's asking you to be a walking Cheerio or to throw rainbow sprinkles in every direction. It's just that if there's one thing you need to learn in life, it's how to laugh at yourself, and life, and your life - because these aren't necessarily the same thing put together. And if you have to be competitive, make damn sure you laugh at yourself before anyone else does.

So make the best damn joke of your life. And if it helps, I'll promise to laugh at your joke if you promise to laugh at mine.

2010-02-15T03:34:00.002+08:00

ahahhahha

one day i will realise that this is completely wrong and inappropriate and unhealthy and quite damn funny. but til then.. i'm allowed my fair share of vices aren't i? (((:

heh heh heh.

2010-02-04T15:07:00.000+08:00

AHGRGHGH

had the most strangest dream yesterday which culminated in a major battle of me (decked out in my Cetus SR shirt) and Taufik Batisah in military gear trying to defeat Heath Ledger (as Joker, who was actually previously a terrorist guy with a big sword) with our wands. Of course Joker was wrapped up in numerous sheets of canvas and was giggling the whole time we were shooting Avada Kedavra curses at him. honestly wtfff! and the dream began with me walking out onto the SR track and lying down on it only to be hit by a flying object which turned out to be some part of a fishing rod. apparently it was Track and Field Meet Day at SR and somehow, fishing... on the track... seemed to be a sport. erm. okay nevermind. so after the Meet, I board this bus with a ton of people who I've never met and this is when we meet the strange terrorist guy who later transforms into Joker in the final scene. like wthh. and he just likes pulls out this huge knife and begins to playfully poke ppl with it?! and eventually some guy in our group decides he's a terrorist and we kick him out of the bus and send him home in a comfort cab. LOLLLL. err. this is probably why he wants to kill us to take revenge. nevermind. okay i cant remember the rest but i remember living in this secluded hut/house before the final battle and eventually we try to find a way into duping Christians from churches into fighting with us. but in the end we lose all support and it is only me n Taufik fighting Joker. WTF. HAHAHHA sorry that last line just cracked me up. but YEAH WTH. and at one point in time Taufik actually tells me i'm pronouncing Avada Kedavra wrongly. GRRRR.

why am i having strange dreams i dont really know. i haven't even been thinking about taufik or heath ledger or SR for some time now. goodness. okayy am going to have my meds, concuss for an hour and then head off for lecture. taaaa!

2010-01-29T01:08:00.000+08:00

because im bored and waiting for my hair to dry. class at ten tmr. moan and groan.

reblogged:
SUPPOSEDLY if you’ve seen over 70 films, you have no life. Mark the ones you’ve seen. There are 239 films on this list. Copy this list and paste this on your Tumblr. Then, put x’s next to the films you’ve seen, add them up, change the header adding your number, and click post at the bottom. Have fun.
Teen/ Romance:

( x) A Cinderella Story
( x) Another Cinderella Story
( ) Step Up
( ) Step Up 2
(x) High School Musical
(x) High School Musical 2
(x) High School Musical 3
(x) Hannah Montana Movie
(x) Enchanted
( ) Sydney White
Total: 7

( x) She’s the Man.
( ) Licensed to Wed
( ) The Break-up
(x) 13 going on 30
(x) 27 Dresses
(x) P.S I Love You
(x) Made of Honour
( ) What Happens in Vegas
(x) Get Smart
(x) The Princess Bride
Total:14
(x) Camp Rock
( ) Wild Child
(x) Ella Enchanted
(x) The Princess Diaries
(x) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
(x) 50 First Dates
(x) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
() Hotel For Dogs
( ) Just Married
( ) Freaky Friday
Total: 20

(x) The Hot Chick
() Sleepover
( ) Confessions Of a Shopaholic
(x) Twilight
() Nancy Drew
(x) The Devil Wears Prada
() No Reservations
() Perfect Man
(x) Australia
(x) Never Been Kissed
Total: 25

Comedy/Humour:

( ) Yes Man
(x) Bedtime Stories
(x) The Pink Panther
(x) The Pink Panther 2
( ) Marley & Me
(x) Cheetah Girls
(x) Cheetah Girls 2
() Bratz
( ) Haunted Mansion
( ) Paul Blart Mall Cop
Total: 30

( ) The 40-year-old virgin
( ) Night in the Museum
() Night in the Museum 2
(x) Evan Almighty
(x) Bruce Almighty
(x) White Chicks
( ) Neverending Story
(x) Meet the Spartans
(x) Meet the Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
Total: 36

(x) Scream
() Scream 2
() Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
(x) Scary Movie 3
(x) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Pie Band Camp
Total: 42

Adventures:
(x) Harry Potter 1: The Sorcerer’s Stone
(x) Harry Potter 2: The Secret Chamber
(x) Harry Potter 3: Prisoner of Azkaban
(x) Harry Potter 4: Goblet of Fire
(x) Harry Potter 5: Order of the Phoenix
(x) Harry Potter 6: Half-Blood Prince
(x) Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring

(x) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings: Return Of the King
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian
Total: 53

( ) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark
() Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
() Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
() Indiana Jones and the Crystal Skull
( ) The Mummy
( ) The Mummy 2
( ) The Mummy 3
( ) Journey to the Centre of Earth
() City of Ember
() Finding Neverland
Total: 53

(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World’s End
(x) X-Men
(x) X-2
(x) X-3
(x) Spider-Man
(x) Spider-Man 2
(x) Spider Man 3
() King Kong
Total: 62

( ) Hellboy
(x) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
( ) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
( ) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
() Underdog
(x) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Batman: The Dark Knight
Total: 68

Action/ Thriller
(x) The Matrix
(x) The Matrix Reloaded
(x) The Matrix Revolution
(x) Terminator
(x) Terminator 2
(x) Terminator 3
(x) Ocean’s Eleven
(x) Ocean’s Twelve
(x) Ocean’s Thirteen
(x) Casino Royale 007
Total: 78

() Bourne Identity
() Bourne Supremacy
() Battle Royale
() Battle Royale 2
(x) Butterfly Effect
() Death Note
() Death Note 2

() Death Note 3: L Change the world
() Resident Evil 1
() Resident Evil 2
(x) I, Robot
Total: 80

() Rush Hour
() Rush Hour 2
() Rush Hour 3
(x) Mission Impossible 1
() Mission Impossible 2
() Mission Impossible 3
(x) I Am Legend
(x) Predator I
(x) Predator II
( ) Signs
Total: 84

Horror:
( ) Saw
( ) Saw II
( ) Saw III
() Saw IV
() Saw V
(x) The Grinch <—- how did this end up in horror? haha.
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre
() Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning
(x) The Ring
() The Ring 2
Total: 86
(x) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
() Ghost Ship
() From Hell
() Child’s Play
() Seed of Chucky
() Bride of Chucky
() Gothika
() Nightmare on Elm Street
Total: 87

() The Grudge
() The Grudge 2
() The Haunted Apartment
() Siren
() Silent Hill
(x) The Mask
(x) Son Of The Mask
() Alone
() Omen
() House Of Wax
Total: 89

()When a Stranger calls
() The Fog
() The Orphanage
() The Skulls
(x) Cruel Intentions
(x) Cruel Intentions 2
() House of 1000 Corpses
Total: 91

Cartoons:
(x) Lilo & Stitch
() Ice Age
() Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
(x) Madagascar
(x) Madagascar 2
() Kung Fu Panda
() Bolt
() Wall-E
(x) Monsters Inc
(x) Shark Tale
Total: 96

(x) Shrek

(x) Shrek 2
(x) Shrek 3
(x) Finding Nemo
() ET
() Cars
() Ratatouille
(x) Toy Story
(x) Toy Story 2
(x) The Incredibles
Total: 103

Inspirational:
(x) Little Miss Sunshine
() I Am Sam
() The Day After Tomorrow
() Coach Carter
() The Last Dance
() To Kill A Mockingbird
() Conrack
() Midnight Sun
() Little Black Book
(x) Rwanda Genocide <—- not even a movie its called Hotel Rwanda :/ lol
Total: 105

Classics:
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Titanic
(x) Romeo & Juliet
() Frankenstein
(x) A Midsummer Night’s Dream
I’ve seen 109 of these.

omg. 109 movies. and thats barely a quarter of what i've watched. goes to show what a freakin couch/(cinema?) potato i am. lol nvm

2010-01-26T13:39:00.000+08:00

*grumblegrumble*

i want a tattooooooo. so dear mum or dad, if you are reading this right now, can i please have a tattoo kthanksbye. (p.s. why are u reading this!!)

phooey. also had a major headache last night which somehow or another has carried on to this morning. terrible. head is spinning like nuts. felt completely puke-y in the taxi home last night but fel that if i so much as thought of the fact that i was feeling puke-y, i would in fact... puke. okay nevermind. strange tho, cos' i've never really had motion sickness.

anyho, decided that along with the invictus, i also want a lion and a mirror. lolll no, nothing to do with narnia or anything. just.. symbols.. i guess. so tatttooooo. grumble. must stop looking at pictures of tattoos and going ooooh or ahhh for no apparent reason. humbug. ):

2010-01-21T00:05:00.000+08:00

what is that myssstteerrrioouusss ticking noise?

*tick tick tick* it's a pipe bomb! YAY! .... BOOOOOOOOMMMM

hahhahahha im sorry, that stupid song is still stuck in my head. god bless the potter puppet pals. hoorah.

i want to own all of them. perhaps i shall make my own. have been feeling very D-I-Y recently and am about to purchase fabric paint to vandalise a pair of old sneakers. also intend to cut holes in my old pair of jeans. heh heh. anyho, school's started and i've successfully missed 1 lecture (unintentionally, of couse.) in my first week. bloody hell i'm never ever going to try to get a taxi between 9-1030am around my estate. woke up late on friday because for some reason my alarm didnt ring (or i managed switch it off unknowingly and then headed back to sleep). must remind myself to set up 2 alarms in the future, or perhaps just move my handphone further away from my reach so that i actually have to get up to turn it off. hurh.

spent 1 hour++ trying to get a cab but i realise that along every stretch there were at least 2 ppl also trying to get a cab. was so frustrated so i went to sit down somewhere to sulk and then went off to meet friends somewhere else. grrrr. anyway am quite annoyed. realised some teacher has advised my tuition kid to start off with the drama section first. which kinda really effs up my whole lesson plan. but no matter. shall just have to replan.. EVERYTHING. grr.

anyho, HARRY POTTER THEME PARK OPENS SPRING 2010!! ARGHGHGHG i want to go. someone please bring me to Orlando, like now thanks. why i am so obsessed with harry potter i honestly dont know. okay i do know. there are manymanymany reasons but im too lazy to explain them now. oh its just about time for american idol! yayyy taaaa

2010-01-17T23:50:00.000+08:00

oh no oh no ohnoohnoohno

why does the nus library have zero essays on the haddon book. massive panic. okay nvm. shall seek out jstor. bloody hell. am very very pekchek now.

waiting for the latest episode of biggest loser asia to start. probably should head to bed soon but im too annoyed about too many things to go to sleep right now. im tired of paying for other people's stupidity. this is ridiculous. ARGHGHHGHGHH.

i hope my alarm rings tmr. taa.

2010-01-15T00:56:00.000+08:00

i want a pet lion.

with like lots of hair. err mane. whatever. and like.. one that would not eat me. because that would be bad and i would be like.. dead. LOLLLLL wtf. anyway, my ï-want-a-pet-so-i-can-learn-to-be-gentle phase has ended. i got broed of the idea itself. terrible.

random conversation with bro yesterday:
me: i cant decide what pet to get
bro: you're only capable of looking after a soft toy animal
me: yeayea.
*thinks for very long*
me: on second thought, i don't want a pet.
bro: thank god.
me: i would like to have a kid!
bro: ....
me: mini-brins! the spawns of all evillllll
bro:...........................................

LOLLL. hmm so maybe a pet.. not a quite a good idea. shall just wait til i get older and perform the obligatory human functions of copulating and procreating. HEH HEH HEH. im sorry. i like all these weird scientific shit terms. amuses me greatly. LOLL. alright. its pretty late considering i have class at ten tmr. humbug. nitey.

2010-01-09T21:28:00.000+08:00

alritey,

2 days to school. my sinister plans as passing as a mexican will now be switched to brazillian as trev has so helpfully suggested. HAHAHA. honestly i have to stop playing these stupid games but it amuses me so very much. (i have to find a way to entertain myself what.) LOLLL. anyway, accidentally let slip a personal fantasy of mine to xy this morning (just kidding, xy.) as such, this year, i shall start using my underutilised brain more before i sprout out sentences loaded with innuendos and such. sorry, this is a problem of mine, and i will strive to overcome it. (okay, maybe not. heh heh.) also ky, i am not a kinky cat. hmph. nevermind. LOL.

have also realised how pathetic the module list is for the summer sems. omg. no modules for lit, and like 1 or 2 for cnm? HUMBUG. lets hope this year will be better. if not, i'll just graduate later. double humbug. lazing about at the hiding place again. so much for writing anything today. lazy, tired and am just staring at Northanger Abbey and feeling very afraid of reading it. am not much of a jane austen fan. only watched sense and sensibility because there was alan rickman and hugh grant in it. im terrible. need to start reading a wider variety of stuff and i think i should just lock up my harry potter books somewhere special to prevent myself from touching them and re-reading them for like the umpteenth time.

also, greg has offered to let me adopt his hamsters but i don't know if im ready to be a responsible owner (oops was about to say parent) of 2 hamsters. or maybe i'll get a chinchilla. or like some small creature.. without a tail. i dont know why tails bother me so much. was just telling rach n gang ysdae that my mind successfullly blanks out traumatising events of some sort since i don't recall anything unless someone reminds me of it. loll. freud would love to examine me i think. that sounded wrong. nevermind.

okay, am off. happy birthday severus snape btw! (((: (really should lock up those books soon.)

2010-01-08T02:08:00.000+08:00

OH CRUD, MAJOR CRUD.

bloody hell. 5 day week how the hell did that happen!!! ARGHHGG. nevermind, at least a 5 day week will mean tht perhaps ill not waste a day away. i'll actually be doing something productive. i hope. and i guess it works out okay since i've tuition on weds night, and thurs late evening lecture. okay am just attempting to console myself here. MAJOR FAIL. might just do 4 modules, save the extra fr summer sem. blahblehbloo groangroangroan

okay nvm, i feel happy today because.... I RAN! YES FINALLY HOORAY, CONFETTI (spelling?) etcetc. eventho it was a pathetic distance, at least ive started and already i feel zen-like. everything in my life is slowly flowing back into the wonderful places they were meant to be. like cherry blossom petal-y things over a calm soothing river. sigh. i might as well be meditating right now. hmm nvm. (again, consoling myself here.) lol whatever.

anyhoo, am very addicted to the potter puppet pals series on youtube. the bloody song from 'the mysterious ticking noise' is playing in my head. snape, snape, severus snape, DUMBLEDOREEEE

*coughcough*

nevermind. alright, its late, im tired and ache-y. shall go lie down n count sheep or something. TAA (:

2010-01-07T11:38:00.000+08:00

i shouldn't feel angry, i shouldn't feel jealous, i shouldn't feel disappointed, i shouldn't i shouldn't i shouldn't.

there you go. nothing wrong with a little personal discipline at 11 am in the morning. LOLLL. anyway, i know there'll be other opportunities.. eventually. so i'll have hope and wait. and not feel upset. although i am. but ah whatever. shall get my priorities right. i have to. sigh.

2010-01-03T19:02:00.000+08:00

Nothing Much

i want to give you everything
but
i'll give you close to nothing
so you'll come back for more.

2010-01-02T18:30:00.000+08:00

phooey.

my eyesight is getting worse. and getting used to the new specs is really annoying cz it gives me a bloody headache. will take some time i suppose. awful dream last night. series of bothersome nightmares over the course of the week. i blame it on the alcohol this xmas season has forced me to down. nvm. loll.

at the usual hiding place again, supposedly doing some writing but now im tired and will head back soon. have yet to watch elegy. shall do so in a bit. am just psyching myself up for it. (as i often do before proceeding to watch any movie.) LOLL omg am such a loser. whatever. k batt dying. TAA

2010-01-01T21:04:00.000+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEARRR! (:

don't really understand what's the big deal about it, just a change in calender anyway. but yes, a new year is a good time for change. and as usual, i aspire to be a better person for the people i care about. no point in making any other resolutions i will only half heartedly attempt. LOLL.

also, this year, i shall not bother about people who really don't give a damn. well, about things. i realise being nice (not that i am always nice. so haolian to say that loll) has resulted in people stepping all over my head. just because brin is nice to you and always there, doesnt give you the right to be inconsiderate and test my patience. neither does it give u the right to assume that i will always be, just there. to make use of or whatever. i'm tired of convincing myself that i have an obligation to everyone who is my friend. although, yes i'm sure i do. but it grows tiresome, and i am getting tired of it. so as my brother has suggested, i will be wary and basically not bother about such people. no matter how much i care about them, i think it's time to let go. slowly. and i will drift away eventually, though you wont realise it until the last minute. til then, adios amigos. omg so emo for a new year's post. shall make up for this by adding more LOLLs in my following paragraphs.

so LOLLL. loll, okay nevermind. good things - ive finished the haddon book! hoorah. okay, not really heavy reading, but at least now i can source for notes to share with the tuition kid. spent and hour plus working with him on how to write a good essay. anyway marg suggests we have a trip somewhere during feb - long cny weekend! hopefully this works out because it would be awesome and the need to get outta the country has arisen again. (omg sounds like im some criminal LOLL) but yes, maybe we shall go visit josh if he isnt already back. and i've never been to jakarta so it should be funnn. (: indo ftw!!!

lol. anywayy, have done a decent amount of writing this holidays, considering i thought i'd do none. am starting to realise most of my writing has a similar pattern. (no, not that i deal with sex all the time. my mum said she nearly spit out her morning coffee after she read the last bit i did lollll) okay nevermind, but at least errr.. it has some effect. LOLLLL. okay, nothing more to say. i bore myself, and woohoo, ive rented Elegy at last. shall go watch it in a bit. desperately wanted to get Roth's A Dying Animal but then thouht of all the unread books i have. shall settle for watching this movie, for now. LOL. taaaaaa (:

2009-12-30T12:59:00.000+08:00

SHIT. mosquito bit my ear bloody *#@&#@*&$$

2009-12-29T17:59:00.000+08:00

loll.

realises the xmas season/new years follows a very strange set pattern every year. at which, i begin feeling extremely thankful for everyone and everything, and then extremely bitter and moody when i start looking forward and looking back. and then this is followed by me feeling extremely annoyed at myself for being extremely selfish and self-absorbed, after which i decide it's time to repent and be nice again. lollll. perhaps am just being fickle.

anywayyy, shopping for clothes next week! (or this week actually) am quite excited. love it when there is money to spend and (useful) things to buy, without actually feeling guilty that i'm buying things which will actually have no use at all. i can name a few but nevermind. weather has been bad. never can tell when its gonna rain or not, and desperately need to get slightly darker. loll. i have what one could call a michael-jackson syndrome. where if i neglect the sun for a few days i start looking paler and slightly whiter. (really!) at which time, rach usually asks if i am okay, or sick or something. terrible. nevermind. to sentosa i gooo. eventually. this time shall bring company. (after my last failed individual outing to sentosa which i thought would be quite an experience but sadly, was only an experience.. in a bad way. grrr. stupid annoying student from god know what uni. i've forgotten and dont intend to remember lolll)

okay getting late. should head back. pre new year's groceries to do before the crowds start coming in. will be terrible but ah well. taaa!

2009-12-26T10:58:00.001+08:00

ten a.m.!

what an achievement. am unnecessarily satisfied that i have woken up relatively early today. strange morning-after feeling looms in the air. quite like how u go drinking and then the next day it feels like a pseudo-out of the body experience. LOL. unfortunately (fortunately?) for me, i have not been drinking much at all (apart from port on xmas eve) hahaha. today i have to finish that mark haddon book, and perhaps find some notes on it for the tuition kid. lessons have been going okay, he's always laughing but i can't tell if he's laughing at me or if he finds the poems amusing. (strange suspicion it is the former) but ah well, shall err, cultivate an interest and then work from there. perhaps i should be more stern. but then again how does one be all stern when one is talking about someone who put her head in an oven! argh. have also told him my theory on evil nursery rhymes and have set him on a quest to go find more evil-ness in other poems. (simply a sly attempt to get him to read more lolll)

last night i happened to hear sounds from downstairs so i stuck my head out the window and realised it was a few kids playing with sparklers and a motorised helicopter-ish thingymajig. was feeling quite nostalgic and dazed so i watched them for a while, all festive with Christmas carols playing in the background. i think they must have thought i was some pervert because one shouted "eh got people watching!" stupid twit. completely spoiled my nostalgic moment because then i started feeling like such a voyeur. idiot. so i retired back to my handphone and played Chuzzle.

anyho, still bumming around the house in my pyjamas, best get changed and start on some "work". loll i like how i can put that word in inverted commas now. (something i probably would not be able to do once school starts because "work" would really mean WORK. grr nvm.)

p.s. just blew 80 bucks on a new laptop charger. bloody hell, 80 bucks for a set of wires and insulation. grgrgrgrrgrr

2009-12-26T02:40:00.000+08:00

more random late night scribblings. happy christmas btw! (:

Untitled (26/12/09)

He's always
the boy in glasses
who stole my candy.
Who later went with smoke to cigarettes,
lived on dirty grass
and mutable scent boxes.
Raconteured with gum in mouth
and angled head with dazed look
but not on weed.
Stole my rings and the hand
that came with it.
But somewhere in between suspenders and denim,
I saw only him.
Still glasses on his shelf,
to remind me he is mine.
Over Zeppelin and Twinings,
things look better through his eyes.

2009-12-23T01:46:00.000+08:00

terrible start to the day.

honestly hate cnm, dunno why i stick with it. guess im just hoping that ill finally take one cnm mod that i'd really really like. unfortunately, that has yet to happen. lol. but i'd just like to say thanks to everyone out there who checked up on me and offered to meet up etc while i was moping about like a depressed gremlin. loll. you know who you are. (: am extremely grateful to have friends like you guys and if i had my way, i'd buy you all mansions and hire hot celebs - i.e. johnny depp for xy and ky (sorry must share lolll. okay nvm, xy can have david tennant instead), both guys from Flight of the Concords for jen, rach will have to make do with rjv (eventho hes not a hot celeb. LOL). thanks guys, spanks for everyone! (:

also, my stupid laptop has been shit to the max. this time the charger's acting up. terrible. have to go get it replaced, so until then im using my mums lappie. tuition tmr, have yet to prepare but at least ive bought the texts! hoorah. will be doing curious incident of the dog at night time, and off centre. seems pretty interesting, and i dread to put the kid through 2 singaporean texts. (not that there's anything wrong with sg lit, i just wish they'd chosen a slightly better selection or variety.) its quite depressing to head to the library only to realise that the "singapore collection" section is like.. 1 bookshelf of english books, and the rest are mainly old chinese magazines, etc. really horrible when there really are a handful of pretty good sgporean writers out there.

its no wonder so many sec sch kids keep saying they hate sg lit because they're mainly introduced to the texts which are somehow or another related to sg's history etc, so studying lit for them is the equivalent of reading a history textbook, albeit in a slightly more pleasant and/or complicated manner. what i'd like to see tested is something like.. i don't know.. cyril wong's poetry or something. lolll. that would be pretty interesting. stuff they could relate to you know. ah well. i mean appreciating sg lit is one thing, and eventually, they would come to accept the more chunkier stuff, but when you first introduce them to sg lit, you've gotta show them why the writing is applicable now, stuff a kid in sec sch would like and relate to. (okay am repeating myself, nevermind.)

like i remember in sec sch, someone once commented that we were lucky that they spared us from doing the sg lit texts for olevels. (we did an anthology of poetry from Britain/US and an arthur miller play) its kinda sad i guess, and i long to see the day pupils actually cheer (okay maybe not that level of enthusiasm lol) when they learn they're gonna be studying a text by a sg author.

on that note, i'm happy to say i'm finally getting into the groove of writing again. lollll. well, trying at least. must complete that bloody novel by end of next yr. havent been working on it, mainly just drabbles and random bouts of poetry. eventually must stop writing slightly perverse stuff. felt a little embarassed asking my grandpa to read through the last collection of poems i had because of the slightly erm.. mature content. okay they're not that perverted, i dont write porn (although i must say some porn lit - eh what are those called huh?) are quite creative. LOLLL. NOT THAT I'VE BEEN READING THAT KINDA STUFF LAHH. but i once casually browsed through. just outta curiosity of course. LOLLLL. (so defensive.) anyway, it was just a little disturbing so i just handed him the poems and was like -okay! just call me once you've read them! loll, terrible. honestly am not a pervert (yes, i can see some of you giving me the raised eyebrows right now, xy is prob raising both of hers) lollll. i just think.. some stuff.. well. okay nevermind. why am i babbling.

alritey. wooh long post today. i know some of you are going through rough spells, but hang in there yea. if ya wanna talk or anything, am here (omg i hope there aren't any creeps reading this), and you know where to find me - (yes, usual hiding place or online loll. so fail.) okay taaa! (:

2009-12-18T02:54:00.000+08:00

random bout of late night/early morning poetry. lolll.

Polar Bears

I remember telling you once that

there are many things we should all be sorry for.

Such as,

People killing with weapons, hands, words.

Children dying hungry before night,

Global warming and polar bears dying.

Bad cars, bad food, bad company,

And people who die before experiencing any of the three.

In other words,

we should be sorry about death in general.

And we should also be sorry for people who are sorry about death.

And people who are just constantly sorry as well.

So you see,

We should be sorry for a lot of things, and people, and trees.

You laughed and said –

Well, polar bears dying aren’t funny but why are you so concerned when you’re

scared of the tiniest of poodles?

At that point,

I felt sorry that you were such an idiot.

And then I felt even sorrier for myself

because I knew I’d do anything for you still.

But somehow,

I forgot the polar bears.

And you forgot me too,

because you’ve gone.

And all I feel now is sorry,

so very sorry,

because maybe if I didn’t keep talking about

being the savior of the universe,

you’d be here.

You see,

I really don’t care about those stupid polar bears.

And I know everyone is dying and people are hungry

and in a few decades the earth will be annihilated,

the aliens will invade,

we’d be drinking our own piss to survive,

But,

why did you go?

2009-12-14T12:02:00.000+08:00

The Centre of the Universe - Paul Durcan

Pushing my trolley about in the supermarket,

I am the centre of the universe;

Up and down the aisle of beans and juices,

I am the centre of the universe;

It does not matter that I live alone;

It does not matter that I am a jilted lover;

It does not matter that I am a misfit in my job;

I am the centre of the universe.

But i'm always here, if you want me-

For I am the centre of the universe.

I enjoy being the centre of the universe.

It is not easy being the centre of the universe

But I enjoy it.

I take pleasure in,

I delight in,

Being the centre if the universe.

At six o'clock a.m. this morning I had a phone call;

It was from a friend, a man in Los Angeles;

'Paul, I don't know what time it is in Dublin

But I simply had to call you;

I cannot stand LA so I thought I'd call you.'

I calmed him down as best I could.

I'm always here, if you want me-

For I am the centre of the universe.

iii

I had barely put the phone down when it rang again,

This time from a friend in Sao Paulo in Brazil;

'Paul- do you know what is the population of Sao Paulo?

I will tell you: it is twelve million skulls.

Twelve million pairs of feet in the one footbath.

Twelve million pairs of eyes in the one fishbowl.

It is unspeakable, I tell you, unspeakable.'

I calmed him down.

I'm always here, if you want me-

For I am the centre of the universe.

But then when the phone rang a third time and it was not yet 6:30 a.m.

The petals of my own hysteria began to wake up and unfurl.

This time it was a woman I know in New York City:

'Paul- New York is a Cage.'

and she began to cry a little bit over the phone,

And from five thousand miles away i mopped up her tears.

I dabbed each tear from her cheek

With just a word or two or three from my calm voice.

I'm always here, if you want me-

For I am the centre of the universe.

But now tonight it is myself;

Sitting at my aluminum double-glazed window in Dublin City;

Crying just a little bit into my black tee shirt.

If only there was just one human being out there

With whom I could make a home? Share a home?

Just one creature out there in the night-

Is there not just one creature out there in the night?

In Helenski, perhaps? Or in Reykjavik?

Or in Chapelizod? Or in Malahide?

So you see, I have to calm myself down also

If I am to remain the centre of the universe;

It's by no means an exclusivley self-centered automatic thing

Being the centre of the universe.

I'm always here, if you want me-

For I am the centre of the universe.

2009-12-14T11:56:00.002+08:00

scary sudden bout of continuous random infatuation. i blame the Christmas season. terrible.

v. v. grumpy today. no idea why. (okay i have a vague idea.) absolutely hate these pot-calling-the-kettle-black incidents. want to smack something. lol. nevermind. runrunrunrun later. house is in a terrible mess. looks like there was a magazine/books/general rubbish explosion in the hall area. so much for setting up the Christmas tree. perhaps i shall just buy a small one and place it next to my bed to look at. grrrr. tis' the season to be grumpy indeed.

shall commence exercising this evening. watching the biggest loser on hallmark has scared me senseless (okay perhaps too much reality tv is a bad thing) loll so yes. ventventventvent need to vent. ARGHHH &^&^$^&#$#@ am seconds away from bursting into a full blown complaining spree. so for now i'll just post this poem i was telling you guys about. awesome, one of my favourites. (:

(##@^&@&#& problem with uploading the poem. next post. grr.)

2009-12-12T20:02:00.000+08:00

oh yay.

have finally found that long lost poem i was looking for after i cleared up my cupboard! hoorah! will post it up soon. anyway now my bookshelf actually looks like a bookshelf and not some dumping ground for old sec/jc worksheets. was actually just about to throw away all the worksheets until i got a call from a tuition agency wanting me to teach sec sch lit. so now, im gonna have to go rummage through those boxes and find all my old lit stuff. boo.

anyho, being broke sucks. can't wait til next week when i'll get some moolah and then i shall go out and waste time somewhere better! (other than the usual hiding place i've been stationing myself this past few days loll) also, am growing weary of strange ppl on exchange who randomly add me on facebk and then pretend not to have added me in attempt to make friends? grrr. im starting to notice this occurs just before the beginning of every semester, and honestly i wouldn't mind (because i am quite friendly obviously. hurhur whatever.) but why you want to add and then pretend you never add! bloody idiots. altho i wouldn't actually mind if lets say these kids are like johnny depp or something heh heh. okay, i was about to say alan rickman but then you wouldn't agree with me as much so nevermind.

grrr, two annoying whiny girls have infiltrated my area and are singing.. campfire songs? honestly wtf. "there is just one moon and one golden sun and a smile means friendship fr everyoneee" "eh but the tune isnt catchy, no one will remember it" "oh yah nvm" .....

grrgrgrrgrgrgrrrr. now its "this little light of mine.." oh boy just stab me with a fork pls.

okay nevermind. i had my fair share of campfires and granted they were quite fun lahh. camps are generally quite fun except for those stupid ones where there are ppl shouting at you to do push ups etc. n punishments because.. we left our flag somewhere or we dropped it. i mean going to the army to get all disciplined n stuff is fine, but why the hell do we have those stupid kinda camps at secondary sch where the seniors basically shout at you to do push ups and then giggle in a group by themselves "omg you're so fierce! hahaha" grrr. sorry im still sore about that one instance where i had to pluck someone's sanitary pad outta the toilet which it jammed. eeeeeks. and the best part is that i can't even remember why. nvm. pleasant memories indeed. sigh.

i hate shouting. hate hate hate shouting. especially when it isn't necessary. okay i sound like a very traumatised individual right now. lol. but honestly why can't ppl just talk normally. would it kill them to just vent all their anger out by shouting into their pillow or something. lol.

(omg they are doing the friendship dance right now.)

okayy. as you can see im bored and have run out of energy or inspiration to do anymore writing. shall head back home n play Chuzzle on my mobile. very intellectual game indeed. heh heh.

2009-12-02T22:19:00.000+08:00

ah peace at last.

lovelovelove void decks, and thinking with coffee. will stop loving void decks if i get robbed or harassed one day by random strangers. hmm. okay, so ive decided its probably not a good idea to do the playwriting mod next sem, considering im so behind time with brit lit mods. realised today, i still need to take 3, 2 of which are before 1800 mods, which are terribleeee. considering the texts we'll probably be doing. yawnnnn.

penguin book fare tomorrow, but i've already done my fair share of book shopping which has left me unavoidably broke shitless as usual. have purchased: the god of all small things, some naipaul book and some convent related singaporean book via ebay. also, one flew over the cuckoo's nest (the copy i'd been eye-ing for ages with the nice cover. am immensely pleased at this.) and some fitzgerald short stories, some kafka andddd.... LOLITAAAAA hoorahhoorrahhhhh lolita feels so good in my hands and reading it feels like a bloody orgasm. amazing. love nabokov.

shit im such a geek lahh.

but i still have various other books i've not read which are also calling to me from my dusty bookshelf. including the nabokov's short stories and the le clezio novel. have placed these books beside my toilet. err, not because they're bad but because they make for good toilet reading. lol okay, that still sounds bad, nevermind. so anyway, this december (its already december grr) i shall immerse myself in the pleasure of readingggg. and also, stop procastinating and actually get some writing done. nevermind if it comes out shitty. shall stop writing and rewriting the same old paragraphs over n over again, and just whack. have been neglecting writing anything this entire sem, apart from essay after essay and random bouts of drunken poetry. terrible.

shit got cockroach wtf. ok i have chased it away. lol. alritey, getting late, better head home. taaaa

2009-11-22T11:47:00.000+08:00

arghghhghghg (again).

sorry, rach just photocopied me my essay. bloody hell, all i can say is - please just read the book! it is really quite awesome, and veryvery different from Marquez magic or Aladdin magic or just magic tricks in general! arghhghghg. terrible. should have just sent him wikipedia links to the books. magic is not homogenous!! grrgrgrgrgrgr. v. v. frustrating. will consider sending him the Philosopher's Stone for Christmas. hurhur. whatever.

nevermind, nevermind. and the mumsie won't be back for a week so who am i going uninhibitedly and uncontrollaby whine to? hmph. okay, am loitering at my hiding place below the blocks again, shall look through NM slides. diane says globalisation is coming out. awesome, shall twist postmodern arguments into media based ones. LOLLLL.

also, there's narnia on tv tonight, and the biggest loser marathon on hallmark. heh heh. but no, do not lose focus, brin. mugmugmug you bloody ninja mugger you. lolll okay, who am i kidding. taa! (:

p.s. will worry about doing honours after next week. xy is making me panic about CAP calculation etc. lol.

2009-11-20T20:49:00.000+08:00

OKAY. enough moping around and complaining and being angry, because all that's resulted in is a very painful right hand. (don't ask)

time to actually get started on work so can ace these bloody exams. nevermind that i've managed to screw up the rest of the modules (groan.), there is still hopeeee. yesyesyes.

okay mugging time. taa.

2009-11-20T11:49:00.000+08:00

arghhhhhhhhhhh

massive massive fail. am in such deep shit trouble panicpanicpanic. okay nevermind. i will just focus and get through next week. yes, just one week more, and then i will try to do some damage control. shitttt.

oh boy i feel like such an idiot.

arhghghghggghghgh. nvmnvm focus, brin, focusss.

2009-11-18T13:45:00.000+08:00

loser.

that's all i can say. to think i even bothered giving a shit. you really make me sick. and i hope to hell you're reading this and you understand this is meant for you.

i wish you would grow up, and stop making all of us suffer because of the stupid accumulated and never-ending shit you fuck yourself up with all the bloody time. just because you're in deep shit doesn't mean you have to pull us down with you. so grow up and be responsible and dont say you are, when you know deep down you're really not. don't even delude yourself into thinking what a wonderful person you are and how everyone is so mean and uncaring towards you. well it's hard to care for someone who isn't around half of the time anyway.

i'm tired of being nice to you and defending you for everything, when i know i'm just bullshitting through my teeth. it feels good when i know you're happy for me about my achievements but using me as an excuse just to prove your worth? whatever. yup. thanks a lot. really. thanks for being a freakin pain in the ass everytime i try to do something. priorities right? well stop being a fuckin hypocrite and go think over YOUR priorities before you start debating with me about anything. stop lamenting in your own freaking self pity. boohoo you're life sucks, well, firstly, no one asked you to go fuck it up in the first place. you made a mess, so go clean it up. secondly, dont make your stupid shit problems ours! you can ask us to help you out, yes, and we often do try. but i wasn't born and raised to be a slave and do every single stupid ridiculous shit just because of affiliation! fuck you.

just give me a little more time and i'll go, bring the people i care about with me, and you can go have all the fun you want before you made the biggest mistake of your life, the source of all your problems, and mine too. ass.

2009-11-17T02:31:00.000+08:00

omg why oh why did i just down 2 cups of coffee at 2 am in the morning.

feel v. easily amused today. realised listening to mitch hedberg on the train is not a smart thing to do. since it always ends up like im grinning at everyone. hurh. anyway. another week or so and will be done with school! woohoo. after which i will attempt to ressucitate (spelling?) my social life. will also spend an incredibly ridiculous amount of time doing nothing at all. double woohoo.

ooh yea, danny and montana finally got married on csi ny! lolll as you can see, i burnt my sunday watching CSI. must have been feeling guilty about neglecting my forensic science. ah well.

also, realised the mr. tea store at smu has been closed down. sad. no more board games, no more WOICs, no more exotic butter tea (shut up rajeev. lol.) , etc. sigh. boring. i should be sleeping, or doing something useful but i cant remember what's the useful thing i'm supposed to be doing, or why i drank coffee in the first place. i'm sure i had a reason to. nevermind, shall go pop my flu meds and then head to sleep. and possibly some really strong cough mixture to knock me out til afternoon. heh heh.

aighty, off to bed. nitey.

2009-11-14T02:24:00.000+08:00

hooray,

brin have cookie and no more essays for this sem. great success!

mad rush to school today. slept at 2am, woke up at 5am, completely rewrote the postcopostmo essay due at 5pm. left the house by 3pm, rushed to school just in the nick of time (xy made me panic by calling me and panting over the phone lolll.) hmm, sounds wrong, nevermind. lolllll. still got some work to do before the exam, but im hoping i can finish everything by this weekend.

strangely, everybody seems to be having laptop problems recently. ah, the bane of technology. but then again i am quite thankful for computers since one of my tutors recently didn't mark various paragraphs of my handwritten essay because of my shit handwriting. i have tried to improve it, and honestly i still am trying to, but i have no idea why it's so difficult. should consider going back to kindergarten and learing how to write again. interestingly enough, someone told me that people with messy handwriting usually had problems colouring stuff as a kid. wonder if this is true. i dont remember ever being THAT bad at colouring. hmm maybe the deteriorisation of my handwriting is prob cz im going insane or something. or maybe because its an indication that i should go be a doctor. lolll.nevermind.

anyway, the meds seem to finally be taking affect. miserably rainy day. best time for a longgggg nap. god, i love weekends.

2009-11-09T00:49:00.000+08:00

omg just shut up shut up shut upppppp. really.

you know, like when you're in class or a lecture, and someone says something just for the sake of saying it, and whatever they're saying doesn't really help anyone or make anyone think about anything other than wth-are-you-saying?

yes, that would v. similar to this instance. so shut up. for your sake and mine.

because believe it or not, i really don't give a shit.

i wish i was dr. manhattan on mars right now.

but i'm just sick, groggy, sniffly. sore throat. presentation on tues. shit. oh and 2 out of 10 pgs. die. argh.

2009-11-06T22:42:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry, i just have to post this song here because i've been singing it all day. (and last week too) LOLL. sigh. wasn't Lion King just the best Disney movie ever? god how i wish i had simba. or mufasa. okay well, i mean i wish i had them if i was a lion. unfortunately i'm not, so i can't long for them in THAT way because that would be.. well, wrong. and err gross. hmph. nevermind.

but it's so sweet lahh! sigh. okay am in a very mopey soppysappy mood. boo. essay due in 2 days. major shittttttttttttttt. have not started. PANICCC.

Can You Feel the Love Tonight - Elton John
There's a calm surrender to the rush of day
When the heat of the rolling world can be turned away
An enchanted moment, and it sees me through
It's enough for this restless warrior just to be with you
And can you feel the love tonight
It is where we are
It's enough for this wide-eyed wanderer
That we got this far
And can you feel the love tonight
How it's laid to rest
It's enough to make kings and vagabonds
Believe the very best
There's a time for everyone if they only learn
That the twisting kaleidoscope moves us all in turn
There's a rhyme and reason to the wild outdoors
When the heart of this star-crossed voyager beats in time with yours

2009-11-06T00:56:00.000+08:00

i was bored. omg realise i dont know that many celebs. loll.

The rules:

1. Bold the names of guys you’d definitely shag.

2. Italicize the names of guys you might shag after a little persuasion.

3. Leave the guys who don’t do anything for you alone.

4. Put a question mark after the guys you’ve never heard of.

5. Strike the guys you wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot pole.

01. Stephen Dorff ?
~~02. Wesley Snipes~~
03. Denzel Washington
~~04. Samuel L. Jackson~~
05. Hayden Christensen
06. Ian Somerhalder?
07. James Van Der Beek
08. Ashton Kutcher
09. Sean William Scott
~~10. The Rock~~
11. Brendan Fraser
12. Oded Fehr ?
13. John Hannah ?
14. Hugh Grant
15. Colin Firth
16. Liam Neeson
17. Daniel Day-Lewis
18. Leonardo Di Caprio
19. Billy Zane
20. Harry Connick Jr.
21. Sean Astin
22. Dominic Monaghan?
23. Karl Urban ?
~~24. Vin Diesel~~
25. Paul Walker?
26. Joshua Jackson
27. James Marsden
28. Shawn Ashmore ?
29. Hugh Jackman!!!!!!!
30. Will Kemp ?
31. David Wenham ?
32. Viggo Mortensen
33. Elijah Wood
34. Tobey Maguire
35. James Franco?
36. Alfred Molina ?
37. Harrison Ford
38. Sean Connery
39. Shane West
40. Stuart Townsend ?
41. Richard Roxburgh ?
42. Ewan McGregor
43. Jonathan Rhys Meyers
44. Christian Bale
45. Jared Leto
46. Colin Farrell
47. Ben Affleck
48. Josh Hartnett
49. Bruce Willis
50. Billy Bob Thornton
51. Dennis Quaid
52. Jake Gyllenhaal
53. Patrick Swayze (but he's passed away. ): )
54. Keanu Reeves
55. Gary Oldman!!! - oh joyyyyy!
56. Tim Roth?
~~57. Steve Buscemi~~
58. Michael Madsen?
59. Rick Yune ?
60. Pierce Brosnan
61. Robert Carlyle ?
62. Jonny Lee Miller ?
63. Jude Law
64. Matt Damon
65. Clive Owen
66. Ryan Phillippe
67. Benicio Del Toro ?
68. Johnny Depp - loll aww its okay xy, can share! LOLLLLLL
69. Orlando Bloom
70. Sean Bean ?
71. Eric Bana
72. Brad Pitt - oh come on, who wouldnt? lol
73. George Clooney
74. Mark Wahlberg
75. Jason Statham?
76. Edward Norton
77. Ben Stiller
70. Owen Wilson
79. Vince Vaughn
80. Joaquin Phoenix
81. Russell Crowe
82. Billy Boyd ?
83. Paul Bettany
84. Heath Ledger
85. Mel Gibson
86. Jason Isaacs ?
87. Alan Rickman!!!! AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH SHUTUP EVERYONE THX
88. Kevin Costner
89. Christian Slater
90. Antonio Banderas
91. Tom Cruise
92. Ving Rhames ?
93. John Cusack
94. John Malkovich
95. Charlie Sheen
96. Kiefer Sutherland
97. Emilio Estevez
98. Rob Lowe
99. Matt Dillon
100. Kevin Bacon
101. Adam Brody
102. Andy Serkis ?
103. Alan Cumming ?
104. Josh Groban
105. Sean Biggerstaff
106. Zach Braff
107. Harry Sinclair ?
108. Gerard Butler
109. Marton Csokas ?
110. Jeremy Sumpter ?
111. Sean Patrick Flanery ?
112. Cillian Murphy ?
113. Hugh Dancy?
114. Ioan Gruffudd
115. Mads Mikkelsen ?
116. Enrique Murciano ?
117. Jamie Bamber ?
118. Craig Parker ?
119. Dean Cain ?
120. James Marsters ?
121. David Boreanaz
122. James Spader
123. Kevin Spacey
124. Al Pacino
125. Jim Caviezel?
126. Josh Holloway?
127. Will Smith
128. Matthew McConaughey
129. Patrick Wilson
130. Milo Ventimiglia
131. Jason Dohring ?
132. Brandon Boyd ?
133. Tom Welling?
134. Sean Maher ?
135. Tré Cool?
136. Billie Joe Armstrong?
137. Mike Dirnt ?
138. Adrienne Armstrong?
139. Jason White?
140. Matthew Fox ?
141. Alexander Sarsgaard ?
142. Derek Jeter ?
143. Travis Fimmel ?
144. Michael Vartan
145. Rob Thomas
146. James Purefoy ?
147. Michael Rosenbaum ?
148. Jensen Ackles ?
149. William Fichtner ?
150. Patrick Dempsey
151. Ace Young ?
152. Francis Capra ?
153. Ryan Hansen ?
154. Robert Pattinson
155. William Moseley
156. Ryan Gosling
157. Nicolas Cage
158. Leigh Whannell ?
159. Wentworth Miller
160. Jack Davenport ?
161. Michael J. Fox
~~162. Kevin Federline~~
163. Liam Cunningham ?
164. John Barrowman?
165. John Rzeznik ?
~~166. Sendhil Ramamurthy~~
167. Stephen Colbert -hurhurhur whattt
168. Jon Stewart
169. Brandon Flowers?
170. Henry Ian Cusick ?
171. John Krasinski ?
172. Michael Trucco ?
173. Benjamin McKenzie
174. Adrian Pasdar
175. Jeremy Piven ?
176. Justin Timberlake
177. Naveen Andrews ?
178. Vincent Cassel ?
179. Adrian Paul ?
180. Gabriel Byrne ?
181. Adrian Grenier ?
182. Daniel Craig
183. Nathan Fillion ?
184. Adam Baldwin
185. Ed Quinn ?
186. Eric Szmanda?
187. George Eads ?
188. Omar Epps ?
189. Jared Padalecki ?
190. Christian Kane ?
191. Jeffrey Dean Morgan
192. Geoffrey Rush
193. Brandon Routh ?
194. Chris Lowell ?
195. James Callis ?
196. Justin Chambers?
197. Michael Muhney ?
198. Matthew Goode
199. Bradley Cooper
200. Burn Gorman ?
201. Christopher Eccleston ?
202. David Tennant
203. Tom Felton
204. Daniel Radcliffe
205. Rupert Grint
206. Kevin McKidd
207. Gaspard Ulliel
208. James McAvoy
209. Anthony Head?
210. James Frain?
211. Ed Speelers ?
212. Penn Badgley ?
213. James Lafferty?
214. Bryan Greenberg ?
215. Chace Crawford ?
~~216. Joe Jonas~~
217. Toby Hemingway ?
218. Dane Cook
219. Travis Wall ?
220. Brad Paisley
221. John Mayer
222. Blake Lewis
223. TR Knight
224. Hugh Laurie
~~225. David Duchovny~~
226. Damien Rice
~~227. Ozzy Osbourne~~
228. Tim Daly?
229. Matthew Rhys
230. Robert Downey Jr.!!!
231. Goran Visnjic ?
232. John Corbett ?
233. Michael Emerson ?
234. David Hewlett ?
235. Robert Knepper ?
236. Nestor Carbonell ?
237. Robert Sean Leonard ?
238. Zach Gilford ?
239. Zachary Levi ?
240. David Sutcliffe ?
241. Christopher Gorham ?
242. Andrew Simpson ?
243. Henry Cavill ?
244. Daniel Vosovic ?
245. John Simm ?
246. Steven Strait
247. Taylor Kitsch ?
248. Lee Pace ?
249. Rufus Wainwright
250. Justin Chatwin?
251. Keith Olbermann?
252. Victor Garber ?
253. Jesse Spencer
254. Paul Gross ? -but then again, with a name like that, maybe not. lol
255. Ty Pennington?
256. Richard Armitage ?
257. Val Kilmer
258. Matt Dallas ?
259. Callum Keith Rennie ?
260. Jamie Bell
261. Joe Flannigan ?
262. Douglas Henshall ?
263. Trent Reznor
264. Jason Mewes ?
265. Matthew Grey Gubler ?
~~266. Kevin Sorbo~~ - hahahhaa hercules not my thing lahh.
267. Jeremy Irons -whatttt...
268. Garrett Hedlund ?
269. Chris Pine?
270. Jimmy Fallon
271. Ed Westwick ?
269. Alex Pettyfer?
270. Craig Horner ?
271. Gale Harold ?
272. Eli Roth?
273. Zachary Quinto
274. Brendon Urie?
275. Chester Bennington
276. Jim Parsons ?
277. Ralph Fiennes
278. Kevin Connolly?
279. Javier Bardem?
280. B.J. Novak?
281. Steve Carrell
282. Michael Cera?
283. Michael Fassbenger ?
284. Gedeon Burkhard?
285. Til Schweiger?
286. Daniel Bruhl?
287. Neil Patrick Harris?
289. Joseph Fiennes
290. Paul Rudd
291. Ryan Reynolds
292. Malcolm McDowell
293. Sidney Crosby?
294. Michael C. Hall
295. Landon Liboiron?
296. Alex Turner?
297. Jon Mcclure?
298. Derren Brown?

2009-11-04T21:00:00.000+08:00

what the bloody hell. LOL. xy got me to do some test at http://goldinuniverse.com/ and this is what i got. sadly, this may actually be pretty accurate. especially the unncessary stress bit. hahahhaha okay nevermind.

Name: Brintha

Date: 11/4/2009

Colorgenics Number: 26013475

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You are feeling exhausted, worn out, drained. You feel that far too much is being asked of you but you still want to overcome these difficulties and establish yourself despite the effect such an effort seems to have on you. You are a proud person, assertive most of the time, but at this particular moment you are acting as if you have become resigned to the situation. What you need is some tender loving care - a gentle pat on the head (or maybe a 'kick-up-the backside') and then you'll be raring to go.

Recently you have been experiencing considerable mental anguish and turmoil. You are bored and discontent. Nothing seems to be going right for you. Even your relationships aren't working out and you don't quite know which way to turn.

Your confidence has been shattered. There are so many things that you would like to do with your life, so many dreams to be fulfilled - and you know that your hopes and dreams are not just figments of your imagination, they are real and you are looking for reassurance from someone. Basically your fears are such that you may be prevented in attaining your hopes and dreams. Even now you would like to broaden your fields of endeavour but in order to develop your 'inner- self' you need peace and solace. You are distressed by the fear that you may be prevented from attaining your goals. What you really need at this particular moment in time is quiet reassurance from someone close to you to restore your confidence.

You are an emotional, sincere and impressionable individual experiencing frustration and unnecessary stress. You are carried away by other people's enthusiasm and looking for that idealised relationship, be it in a business or personal situation, which you are able to share with a mutual depth of understanding. You have lowered your defences in the past and you have been hurt, so you are now extremely wary of being exploited. You are still ready to trust people on the condition that they are prepared to offer you proof of their sincerity.

You are being very dogmatic, insisting that there is to be absolutely no equivocation whatsoever about your achievements and accomplishments.

2009-11-04T04:05:00.000+08:00

A Box

___________________
i draw you a box and
youinstantlyneedtofillitup
or s h a d e it
or write words which mean
1234567891011121314
things
why
      why
             why
       why
why
____________________

don't you ever just write here.

2009-11-04T02:12:00.000+08:00

arghghhghghhghghghghghhhhhhh

shit shit day today. i hate technology. i wish i lived in a kampung. or just some place i can grow my mushrooms.

mushrooms... o... where is it......

hahhahahhaha sorry, couldn't help it. *coughcough*

so anyway, several things i've learnt today -

1. a pen is to a phallus as is ink to sperm.
2. i would rather prefer dancing around a rock as opposed to attempting to push it.
3. i don't know how to pronounce Melquiades.
4. having your lecturer debate with himself on the content of your essay several times during an actual lecture is not a good thing.
5. office doors are not as soundproof as i thought.
6. leaving one's tutorial because the "air con was too cold" is actually quite a creative excuse. (must remember this for future use in replacement of extended toilet-break during QnA session excuse)
7. when there are only 5 people present in class, one's sniggerings and semi-silent cackles become more obvious.
8. for some reason i find the idea of cocks (as in roosters) jumping up and down extremely funny.
9. operating on a 3 hour sleep system is not effective in any way.
10. someone stole a book on harry potter essays from the library (because i can't find it anywhere!! grrrrr.)

also, i miss Batam. need to get away. or possibly just go for a really long run. might do so tomorrow. aight tired as hell. god i love wednesdays. niteynite.

2009-10-31T20:48:00.000+08:00

yay for rain!

excellent cold weather. am all snuggled up at home in my PJ's and fluffy slippers with a cup of coffee next to me. harbour enticing urge to curl up in a ball and fall asleep. but no, no, must finish essay by tonight so i've got tomorrow to work on my presentations.

happy halloween, by the way. not too sure what's so happy about it, but well, candy is never a bad thing. if only there was trick or treating in singapore though. i'd just have to walk up/down 16 storeys of my flat and i should return with a shitload of candy. or maybe i'll just return with a few pieces of bah kwa and an apple or something. ah well. shouldn't be one to complain considering the only candy i seem to have at this moment is my packet of fisherman's friend. don't think the kids would be too happy if i gave them a lozenge each. oh wait, i have strepsils too. nevermind. maybe they'll accept cherry flavoured panadol as well. hmm.

also, i think i've managed to buy out the entire supply of nescafe coffee cans at the vending machine near my house. terrible. too much caffeine is bad, and i do recall once singing some kind of song in primary school regarding the dangers of caffeine. hmm. coffee cannon or something like that. don't know why i seem to remember lots of irrelevant stuff. ah well, okay back to work! lovenspanksss.

2009-10-31T01:48:00.000+08:00

fail fail faillllll.

1.26am. spent the last half an hour looking for the insect repellent spray. couldn't find it, chased annoying bug around the living room with roll of toilet paper instead. collected bug gently, tossed out of the window. waited 5 minutes, nothing. 2 minutes later bug came back zooming in with scary vengeance. re-scooped bug again, felt evil and guilty but bug was annoying me. hurh.

1.29am. blogging about a stupid bug instead of doing my postcolonial/postmodern essay. grr.

nevermind, will finish essay by tomorrow night, am sure of it. mustmustmust stop wasting time, no matter how enjoyable wasting time may be. anyway, headed to school today quite early, dozed off on the lrt, dozed off on the mrt, dozed off on the bus, dozed off in the library (whilst staring fixatedly at a bookshelf). was effin tired, but when i finally got home to have a nap, i couldn't get to sleep. humbug. also, think i freaked rachel out a bit today with my random blabber and incoherent noises on the way home (in attempt to keep awake). sigh, am really looking forward to the holidaysssss. will aim to maintain a healthy balance between, running/exercising, drinking/partying, writing/reading and doing nothing. excellent plan as usual. okay am sleepy. niteyniteeee.

2009-10-29T15:34:00.000+08:00

pseudo hoorah!

am loitering around the blocks now as i always do. but alas, i've finally managed to come up with a somewhat workable essay plan for my Marquez essay! yay. temporary joy until I actually start writing it tonight and then we'll see how workable the plan actually is. argh.

am contemplating going home to take an afternoon nap but realised that once again i've had one cup of hot coffee in the morning and 2 cans of coffee in the afternoon so probably not very advisable. headed to the library to return some overdue books in the morning. a bunch of people were queue-ing outside. strange, dont know why theres a need to queue to get into the library. not like the books are gonna run away or something. upon witnessing this strange occurence, i realised that maybe i should join them (i am a literature student, so if there's anyone rushing in for books, it probably should be me. hurhurhur. you know, the whole sense of urgency thing. LOLLL okay nevermind.) so i stood amongst these people for a while, mainly out of curiousity and most of the mumblings were regarding some kind of breakfast offer they were having at the cafe inside. hurh.

later felt that having breakfast at the library would be quite a depressing experience considering the constant reminder of unread books dangling over my head would plague me over my plate of sausages or god-knows-what food they were serving. also realised i had to use the loo so left said strange gathering.

anyway, i've decided that once the sem ends (there's that magic phrase again), í will conduct an experiment and join in whatever crowds/queues i see on the street etc. i bet half the people won't even know what they've gathered for. LOLLL. ah well.

sadsad. today he signed off as per normal, sans slightly informal use of first name. am obsessed and probably a pervert, but no matter. nothing new. heh heh.

okay, my batt's dying. some idiot just threw some rubbish out the window from upstairs. bloody idiots and their killer litter. okay, probably can't get killed by a tissue paper, but what if its one with phlegm or something bacterial like or something. grrr. nevermind. laptop batt at 14%, more complaining later. why are you wasting your time reading this aye? loll. taaaaa

2009-10-28T22:22:00.000+08:00

fail to the maxxxxx.

things i've accomplished today:

1. managed to strain a butt muscle from sleeping (again.)
2. realised i'd succeeded in losing the minutes from the last CNM meeting.
3. ransacked my entire room in search for abovementioned documents for hours.
4. gave up and began searching for other documents, only to realise the minutes were written on the back of my CNM articles (which was stored in my file - located in plain sight in the hall)
5. got my eyes stung while squeezing oranges for my citrus pork roast.
6. tried taking an afternoon nap. but failed miserably because i was thinking constantly about my upcoming presentations. (felt quite proud of myself for being so concerned about schoolwork, then realised that maybe i couldn't get to sleep because i'd drunk too much coffee in the morning.)
7. un-jammed the "L" key on my laptop. (realise i've been overusing the L key in words such as "lollllllll")
8. grinned sheepishly to myself for an hour.
9. felt sheepish that i was grinning sheepishly.
10. grinned sheepishly at that thought too.
11. successfully managed to gross out my friends yet again (unintentionally, of course) with stories of charming rakes disguised as old, wrinkly men.

groan. massive massive fail. will start work now. MUST START WORK NOWWWWW. arghghhghghghhhh