We always forget,
choose not to remember,
watch time eat us,
watch us eat us.
Everything’s about eating.
Time is made up of eating and eateries and entrées.
realises the xmas season/new years follows a very strange set pattern every year. at which, i begin feeling extremely thankful for everyone and everything, and then extremely bitter and moody when i start looking forward and looking back. and then this is followed by me feeling extremely annoyed at myself for being extremely selfish and self-absorbed, after which i decide it's time to repent and be nice again. lollll. perhaps am just being fickle.
anywayyy, shopping for clothes next week! (or this week actually) am quite excited. love it when there is money to spend and (useful) things to buy, without actually feeling guilty that i'm buying things which will actually have no use at all. i can name a few but nevermind. weather has been bad. never can tell when its gonna rain or not, and desperately need to get slightly darker. loll. i have what one could call a michael-jackson syndrome. where if i neglect the sun for a few days i start looking paler and slightly whiter. (really!) at which time, rach usually asks if i am okay, or sick or something. terrible. nevermind. to sentosa i gooo. eventually. this time shall bring company. (after my last failed individual outing to sentosa which i thought would be quite an experience but sadly, was only an experience.. in a bad way. grrr. stupid annoying student from god know what uni. i've forgotten and dont intend to remember lolll)
okay getting late. should head back. pre new year's groceries to do before the crowds start coming in. will be terrible but ah well. taaa!
brin bit this at ; 5:59 PM
Saturday, December 26, 2009
ten a.m.!
what an achievement. am unnecessarily satisfied that i have woken up relatively early today. strange morning-after feeling looms in the air. quite like how u go drinking and then the next day it feels like a pseudo-out of the body experience. LOL. unfortunately (fortunately?) for me, i have not been drinking much at all (apart from port on xmas eve) hahaha. today i have to finish that mark haddon book, and perhaps find some notes on it for the tuition kid. lessons have been going okay, he's always laughing but i can't tell if he's laughing at me or if he finds the poems amusing. (strange suspicion it is the former) but ah well, shall err, cultivate an interest and then work from there. perhaps i should be more stern. but then again how does one be all stern when one is talking about someone who put her head in an oven! argh. have also told him my theory on evil nursery rhymes and have set him on a quest to go find more evil-ness in other poems. (simply a sly attempt to get him to read more lolll)
last night i happened to hear sounds from downstairs so i stuck my head out the window and realised it was a few kids playing with sparklers and a motorised helicopter-ish thingymajig. was feeling quite nostalgic and dazed so i watched them for a while, all festive with Christmas carols playing in the background. i think they must have thought i was some pervert because one shouted "eh got people watching!" stupid twit. completely spoiled my nostalgic moment because then i started feeling like such a voyeur. idiot. so i retired back to my handphone and played Chuzzle.
anyho, still bumming around the house in my pyjamas, best get changed and start on some "work". loll i like how i can put that word in inverted commas now. (something i probably would not be able to do once school starts because "work" would really mean WORK. grr nvm.)
p.s. just blew 80 bucks on a new laptop charger. bloody hell, 80 bucks for a set of wires and insulation. grgrgrgrrgrr
brin bit this at ; 10:58 AM
more random late night scribblings. happy christmas btw! (:
Untitled (26/12/09)
He's always
the boy in glasses
who stole my candy.
Who later went with smoke to cigarettes,
lived on dirty grass
and mutable scent boxes.
Raconteured with gum in mouth
and angled head with dazed look
but not on weed.
Stole my rings and the hand
that came with it.
But somewhere in between suspenders and denim,
I saw only him.
Still glasses on his shelf,
to remind me he is mine.
Over Zeppelin and Twinings,
things look better through his eyes.
brin bit this at ; 2:40 AM
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
terrible start to the day.
honestly hate cnm, dunno why i stick with it. guess im just hoping that ill finally take one cnm mod that i'd really really like. unfortunately, that has yet to happen. lol. but i'd just like to say thanks to everyone out there who checked up on me and offered to meet up etc while i was moping about like a depressed gremlin. loll. you know who you are. (: am extremely grateful to have friends like you guys and if i had my way, i'd buy you all mansions and hire hot celebs - i.e. johnny depp for xy and ky (sorry must share lolll. okay nvm, xy can have david tennant instead), both guys from Flight of the Concords for jen, rach will have to make do with rjv (eventho hes not a hot celeb. LOL). thanks guys, spanks for everyone! (:
also, my stupid laptop has been shit to the max. this time the charger's acting up. terrible. have to go get it replaced, so until then im using my mums lappie. tuition tmr, have yet to prepare but at least ive bought the texts! hoorah. will be doing curious incident of the dog at night time, and off centre. seems pretty interesting, and i dread to put the kid through 2 singaporean texts. (not that there's anything wrong with sg lit, i just wish they'd chosen a slightly better selection or variety.) its quite depressing to head to the library only to realise that the "singapore collection" section is like.. 1 bookshelf of english books, and the rest are mainly old chinese magazines, etc. really horrible when there really are a handful of pretty good sgporean writers out there.
its no wonder so many sec sch kids keep saying they hate sg lit because they're mainly introduced to the texts which are somehow or another related to sg's history etc, so studying lit for them is the equivalent of reading a history textbook, albeit in a slightly more pleasant and/or complicated manner. what i'd like to see tested is something like.. i don't know.. cyril wong's poetry or something. lolll. that would be pretty interesting. stuff they could relate to you know. ah well. i mean appreciating sg lit is one thing, and eventually, they would come to accept the more chunkier stuff, but when you first introduce them to sg lit, you've gotta show them why the writing is applicable now, stuff a kid in sec sch would like and relate to. (okay am repeating myself, nevermind.)
like i remember in sec sch, someone once commented that we were lucky that they spared us from doing the sg lit texts for olevels. (we did an anthology of poetry from Britain/US and an arthur miller play) its kinda sad i guess, and i long to see the day pupils actually cheer (okay maybe not that level of enthusiasm lol) when they learn they're gonna be studying a text by a sg author.
on that note, i'm happy to say i'm finally getting into the groove of writing again. lollll. well, trying at least. must complete that bloody novel by end of next yr. havent been working on it, mainly just drabbles and random bouts of poetry. eventually must stop writing slightly perverse stuff. felt a little embarassed asking my grandpa to read through the last collection of poems i had because of the slightly erm.. mature content. okay they're not that perverted, i dont write porn (although i must say some porn lit - eh what are those called huh?) are quite creative. LOLLL. NOT THAT I'VE BEEN READING THAT KINDA STUFF LAHH. but i once casually browsed through. just outta curiosity of course. LOLLLL. (so defensive.) anyway, it was just a little disturbing so i just handed him the poems and was like -okay! just call me once you've read them! loll, terrible. honestly am not a pervert (yes, i can see some of you giving me the raised eyebrows right now, xy is prob raising both of hers) lollll. i just think.. some stuff.. well. okay nevermind. why am i babbling.
alritey. wooh long post today. i know some of you are going through rough spells, but hang in there yea. if ya wanna talk or anything, am here (omg i hope there aren't any creeps reading this), and you know where to find me - (yes, usual hiding place or online loll. so fail.) okay taaa! (:
brin bit this at ; 1:46 AM
Friday, December 18, 2009
random bout of late night/early morning poetry. lolll.
Polar Bears
I remember telling you once that
there are many things we should all be sorry for.
Such as,
People killing with weapons, hands, words.
Children dying hungry before night,
Global warming and polar bears dying.
Bad cars, bad food, bad company,
And people who die before experiencing any of the three.
In other words,
we should be sorry about death in general.
And we should also be sorry for people who are sorry about death.
And people who are just constantly sorry as well.
So you see,
We should be sorry for a lot of things, and people, and trees.
You laughed and said –
Well, polar bears dying aren’t funny but why are you so concerned when you’re
scared of the tiniest of poodles?
At that point,
I felt sorry that you were such an idiot.
And then I felt even sorrier for myself
because I knew I’d do anything for you still.
But somehow,
I forgot the polar bears.
And you forgot me too,
because you’ve gone.
And all I feel now is sorry,
so very sorry,
because maybe if I didn’t keep talking about
being the savior of the universe,
you’d be here.
You see,
I really don’t care about those stupid polar bears.
And I know everyone is dying and people are hungry
and in a few decades the earth will be annihilated,
the aliens will invade,
we’d be drinking our own piss to survive,
But,
why did you go?
brin bit this at ; 2:54 AM
Monday, December 14, 2009
The Centre of the Universe - Paul Durcan
i
Pushing my trolley about in the supermarket,
I am the centre of the universe;
Up and down the aisle of beans and juices,
I am the centre of the universe;
It does not matter that I live alone;
It does not matter that I am a jilted lover;
It does not matter that I am a misfit in my job;
I am the centre of the universe.
But i'm always here, if you want me-
For I am the centre of the universe.
ii
I enjoy being the centre of the universe.
It is not easy being the centre of the universe
But I enjoy it.
I take pleasure in,
I delight in,
Being the centre if the universe.
At six o'clock a.m. this morning I had a phone call;
It was from a friend, a man in Los Angeles;
'Paul, I don't know what time it is in Dublin
But I simply had to call you;
I cannot stand LA so I thought I'd call you.'
I calmed him down as best I could.
I'm always here, if you want me-
For I am the centre of the universe.
iii
I had barely put the phone down when it rang again,
This time from a friend in Sao Paulo in Brazil;
'Paul- do you know what is the population of Sao Paulo?
I will tell you: it is twelve million skulls.
Twelve million pairs of feet in the one footbath.
Twelve million pairs of eyes in the one fishbowl.
It is unspeakable, I tell you, unspeakable.'
I calmed him down.
I'm always here, if you want me-
For I am the centre of the universe.
iv
But then when the phone rang a third time and it was not yet 6:30 a.m.
The petals of my own hysteria began to wake up and unfurl.
This time it was a woman I know in New York City:
'Paul- New York is a Cage.'
and she began to cry a little bit over the phone,
And from five thousand miles away i mopped up her tears.
I dabbed each tear from her cheek
With just a word or two or three from my calm voice.
I'm always here, if you want me-
For I am the centre of the universe.
v
But now tonight it is myself;
Sitting at my aluminum double-glazed window in Dublin City;
Crying just a little bit into my black tee shirt.
If only there was just one human being out there
With whom I could make a home? Share a home?
Just one creature out there in the night-
Is there not just one creature out there in the night?
In Helenski, perhaps? Or in Reykjavik?
Or in Chapelizod? Or in Malahide?
So you see, I have to calm myself down also
If I am to remain the centre of the universe;
It's by no means an exclusivley self-centered automatic thing
Being the centre of the universe.
I'm always here, if you want me-
For I am the centre of the universe.
brin bit this at ; 12:02 PM
scary sudden bout of continuous random infatuation. i blame the Christmas season. terrible.
v. v. grumpy today. no idea why. (okay i have a vague idea.) absolutely hate these pot-calling-the-kettle-black incidents. want to smack something. lol. nevermind. runrunrunrun later. house is in a terrible mess. looks like there was a magazine/books/general rubbish explosion in the hall area. so much for setting up the Christmas tree. perhaps i shall just buy a small one and place it next to my bed to look at. grrrr. tis' the season to be grumpy indeed.
shall commence exercising this evening. watching the biggest loser on hallmark has scared me senseless (okay perhaps too much reality tv is a bad thing) loll so yes. ventventventvent need to vent. ARGHHH &^&^$^&#$#@ am seconds away from bursting into a full blown complaining spree. so for now i'll just post this poem i was telling you guys about. awesome, one of my favourites. (:
(##@^&@&#& problem with uploading the poem. next post. grr.)
brin bit this at ; 11:56 AM
Saturday, December 12, 2009
oh yay.
have finally found that long lost poem i was looking for after i cleared up my cupboard! hoorah! will post it up soon. anyway now my bookshelf actually looks like a bookshelf and not some dumping ground for old sec/jc worksheets. was actually just about to throw away all the worksheets until i got a call from a tuition agency wanting me to teach sec sch lit. so now, im gonna have to go rummage through those boxes and find all my old lit stuff. boo.
anyho, being broke sucks. can't wait til next week when i'll get some moolah and then i shall go out and waste time somewhere better! (other than the usual hiding place i've been stationing myself this past few days loll) also, am growing weary of strange ppl on exchange who randomly add me on facebk and then pretend not to have added me in attempt to make friends? grrr. im starting to notice this occurs just before the beginning of every semester, and honestly i wouldn't mind (because i am quite friendly obviously. hurhur whatever.) but why you want to add and then pretend you never add! bloody idiots. altho i wouldn't actually mind if lets say these kids are like johnny depp or something heh heh. okay, i was about to say alan rickman but then you wouldn't agree with me as much so nevermind.
grrr, two annoying whiny girls have infiltrated my area and are singing.. campfire songs? honestly wtf. "there is just one moon and one golden sun and a smile means friendship fr everyoneee" "eh but the tune isnt catchy, no one will remember it" "oh yah nvm" .....
grrgrgrrgrgrgrrrr. now its "this little light of mine.." oh boy just stab me with a fork pls.
okay nevermind. i had my fair share of campfires and granted they were quite fun lahh. camps are generally quite fun except for those stupid ones where there are ppl shouting at you to do push ups etc. n punishments because.. we left our flag somewhere or we dropped it. i mean going to the army to get all disciplined n stuff is fine, but why the hell do we have those stupid kinda camps at secondary sch where the seniors basically shout at you to do push ups and then giggle in a group by themselves "omg you're so fierce! hahaha" grrr. sorry im still sore about that one instance where i had to pluck someone's sanitary pad outta the toilet which it jammed. eeeeeks. and the best part is that i can't even remember why. nvm. pleasant memories indeed. sigh.
i hate shouting. hate hate hate shouting. especially when it isn't necessary. okay i sound like a very traumatised individual right now. lol. but honestly why can't ppl just talk normally. would it kill them to just vent all their anger out by shouting into their pillow or something. lol.
(omg they are doing the friendship dance right now.)
okayy. as you can see im bored and have run out of energy or inspiration to do anymore writing. shall head back home n play Chuzzle on my mobile. very intellectual game indeed. heh heh.
brin bit this at ; 8:02 PM
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
ah peace at last.
lovelovelove void decks, and thinking with coffee. will stop loving void decks if i get robbed or harassed one day by random strangers. hmm. okay, so ive decided its probably not a good idea to do the playwriting mod next sem, considering im so behind time with brit lit mods. realised today, i still need to take 3, 2 of which are before 1800 mods, which are terribleeee. considering the texts we'll probably be doing. yawnnnn.
penguin book fare tomorrow, but i've already done my fair share of book shopping which has left me unavoidably broke shitless as usual. have purchased: the god of all small things, some naipaul book and some convent related singaporean book via ebay. also, one flew over the cuckoo's nest (the copy i'd been eye-ing for ages with the nice cover. am immensely pleased at this.) and some fitzgerald short stories, some kafka andddd.... LOLITAAAAA hoorahhoorrahhhhh lolita feels so good in my hands and reading it feels like a bloody orgasm. amazing. love nabokov.
shit im such a geek lahh.
but i still have various other books i've not read which are also calling to me from my dusty bookshelf. including the nabokov's short stories and the le clezio novel. have placed these books beside my toilet. err, not because they're bad but because they make for good toilet reading. lol okay, that still sounds bad, nevermind. so anyway, this december (its already december grr) i shall immerse myself in the pleasure of readingggg. and also, stop procastinating and actually get some writing done. nevermind if it comes out shitty. shall stop writing and rewriting the same old paragraphs over n over again, and just whack. have been neglecting writing anything this entire sem, apart from essay after essay and random bouts of drunken poetry. terrible.
shit got cockroach wtf. ok i have chased it away. lol. alritey, getting late, better head home. taaaa
brin bit this at ; 10:19 PM
because i'm queing, i'm waiting.
hola!
my name's brin.
i'm not Spanish, i just like using the word "hola".
i'm twenty-one, but only til' next year.
if you bring alan rickman to my house, i'll marry you.
okay, maybe not, but i'll give you some chocolate for the ride back.
i don't know how many of these actually still work.