Monday, December 6, 2010
One of the most important things I learned from my grandpa was to always stand up for myself if I think I'm right and to be prepared to deal with the consequences for doing so. He taught me the importance of always having an opinion. And every single time I said, "I don't know" in reply to any of his questions, he'd give me a good scolding and then ask me to at least try to answer. I never understood why he 'd keep doing that, and why my dad followed in suit too. But now I think I do. It's good to have an opinion because if you don't, you won't know where you stand in the world. As melodramatic as this is gonna sound - if you don't have an opinion, the world continues to work for those that do, whether or not it is in your favour.
But the important thing I guess, is knowing when to voice your opinion, and to whom. And maybe that's something I need to grapple with on my own. Knowing when it's right to do so, because I have opinions about many things, and many people, and I don't believe it's right to let everyone know unless it matters.
So granted, some may think I'm being neutral, switzerland, whatever, and I am. It's a conscious choice. Why do I do this? Well, I just think that you take a stand only when the need calls for it. When I feel the situation could be made better if I do, then I'll say it. But if I think things are just gonna repeat itself, and nothing good could come out of it, then I'm not going to. Especially if I think it's a waste of time to do so.
So maybe my hippie/peace-loving tendencies are impractical in the real world. Maybe. But I do as hell try. And maybe I'm being selfish and maybe it's just plain annoying to some people. But I'm not gonna step into other people's problems if I feel it could do more harm than good. The way I see it, if people didn't butt in half the time in the real world, a lot of shit could have been easily avoided.
Hell, I know I'm not perfect. I know I have my flaws. I'm stubborn as hell, I'm sometimes either too logical or too irrational, I can be a complete hypocrite (as is everyone else every now and then), I keep things to myself too much (sometimes even coming across as cold or unfeeling) and despite all the stupid things i've done with my life, i like to think i have at least some pride in tact at the end of the day. And maybe it's a flaw too, maybe I'm just too damn proud for my own good. But it's what gets me through the day. But I do try to fix these flaws as much as I can. It drives me crazy wanting to correct them, but I try, not so much because I can't live with myself if I don't, but because I want to be a better person for the people I truly care about.
And if there's one thing I've tried to do all my life, is to keep promises, and be sincere in whatever situation. This has been the bane of my life, and in my attempt to do so, I've lost many people I thought were my friends along the way. But at the end, if they leave, the way I see it, it wasn't worth it in the first place. I know I could make life easier for everyone by handing out apologies whenever someone needs one. But I think apologising is easy. Standing up for yourself isn't. When I do apologise I really mean it. And every apology needs to be accompanied by the statement "I won't do it again" or "I'll fix it by doing this..." So unless I can think of how to settle these two statements, I'm not going to apologise. Especially in circumstances where I don't see why I was wrong. I'm open to what people have to say though, which is why I always ask people, "Why do you think I was wrong?" And if it makes sense, then yes, I'll apologise of course. But forcing it out of me is not gonna work.
And after all is said and done, at the end of the day, all I need is basic courtesy that you would give any human being. Respect is earned so I'm not even gonna ask that of anyone. In my entire life, only one person has attempted to force respect out of me and I'll forever remember him as that one person I would never ever aspire to be like. He's probably long forgotten me, and it's been a good 5+ years since we've talked and I don't intend to any time soon.
So why am I even writing this? Well, guess I just needed to vent a little, come to terms with it myself, and I guess in one blog post, I've attempted to summarise myself as best as possible. loll. That said, to everyone who's been there for me through thick and thin and who's helped me work out these flaws, I love you. (:
brin bit this at ; 1:20 PM
Friday, December 3, 2010
mmmm.
love december weather. and being at home and doing nothing. and lying in my singlet and fbt's on the couch when it's cold and sunny at the same time. and listening to good music while daydreaming and sipping on coffee/tea. and getting lost in the moment and not having to spend a single moment thinking about anything or anyone. absolutely amazing. sometimes i wish i could remain forever in just one single moment and not change anything. like a freeze frame or some shit. now that would be hella awesome.
on that note, i've come to realise that i only do truly care about a select few in my life and that's enough for me. (: also, i need to do more zen things because my temper has been flaring up recently. groan. alritey, nearly 3am, should be getting to bed. watching harry p. again tmr!! yayyy
brin bit this at ; 2:40 AM