Sunday, February 20, 2011
Crying.
It's strange, you know? Crying. Just liquid from eyes connoting monumental extremes. And for what? Cathartic relief? Because you just can't help it? Just to... fit in. By letting out. And it's stranger still when you try to force tears out to achieve all the above outcomes. Eyelid squeeze, lips purse, nose squinch. Before you know it, you're a raisin. Sad.
If you're wondering how I know this, it's because I do it all the time. Try to hang out my emotions to dry on my cheeks. Forcing them out, making them stay for as long as possible. A socially acceptable, visually pleasing (or maybe not?) orgasm on your face. You said don't cry. So I do it all the time. I try. I'm a rebel like that. Does that make me more appealing? James Dean at your playground. Just waiting on you. Waiting on you all the god damn time. Dryly weeping into my jacket when you're here, and when you're not. I figure you'll give in some time. At a time when time stops making a bastard out of you and me. I say it out - you and me, me and you. I like the sound of that. Makes me feel all tingly inside. I'm convulsing, really.
It's late. I've scraped over one too many rims of beer cans. Circling your skin over metal. Nuzzling my nose against your neck, sniffing aluminium. Did you hear about those girls who used beer bottles to.. you know? That's pretty sick. Wonder if beer cans... Nevermind. I'm wasted on you, shouting at lift doors. Open! Open! Open! Three times a charm but not in this country. I don't know what to do so I hide my face behind glass panes and slide. Slide down until I can smell dog shit. Lower, and lower I fall and did I tell you I can't really breathe without you because without you there's like... this wheezing in my lungs. How is the heart even linked to love? My heart is fine but I feel a need to shit out a kidney or something.
I cannot cry. My life is spinning right in front of me and I cannot cry. I can't mourn its passing. There will be no funeral because no one will attend and those who do will arrive just in time for the buffet. There will be low-grade eclairs. Hell, I'm smashing my eyes against concrete or maybe I'm not but now I can see the sky.
Where are you?
Where am I?
Are the buses still running at this time? What? I've missed the last bus?
Okay, now I'm really crying. I'm actually crying! I can feel sadness gather at my corneas for the great departure! Wait... what? It was just a raindrop. Just rain. The clouds are sobbing all over my damn face.
brin bit this at ; 2:41 AM
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
crappy poem composed.
but had one line which i just had to get out so i remember to use it in future. argh, have to go to the supermarket again to get stuff. totally not looking forward to queue-ing for an hour and getting squashed by aunties with big shopping trolleys. have to also clean the house as much as possible today because my mum says its pantang to do so tomorrow. yawn.
ah well, on the brightside, this means no housework tomorrow! hoorah. *weak wave of Much Success flag* also... say it with me... FOXCRIMEEEE. YAY
good thing it's CNY, so i can spend time editing my resume and cover letters. completely dislike feeling directionless and useless. (not useless in the emo sense, just useless.) time to get my life back in order i think.
realise unfortunately, that i will never be able to travel to the places i long to visit until probably a couple of years time once i have earned enough moolah... as much as it pains me to say. sigh, nvm. life is such. and i know i shouldn't be mope-ing around and feeling upset about it. just a little bit tiresome thinking about all the wasted opportunities that's been dangled in front of my face time and time again. and there are so many times i think to myself - why didn't i.../i should have../what if i had...
but i stop these thoughts halfway and refuse to look back. i have a lot to be thankful for and that is enough.
things are so uncertain now, it really scares me. and for the first time in my life, i feel like i'm losing control and trying to live my life based on what certain people expect of me. sigh. it sucks, but i'll get through this. i have to.
brin bit this at ; 11:02 AM
Untitled - 2/2/2011.
For every beat, one heart accepts defeat
For every rhyme, one remains incomplete
Through overcast skies and turbulent streams
people like pebbles cling for reprieve.
But for what purpose?
And what song pounds their ears?
I understood once,
but the moment is gone.
I try to draw reason with words
but I cannot.
It confuses,
and I
play dumb to the cause.
brin bit this at ; 10:39 AM